the Jeff blog

Jeff was very cuddly last night, and I couldn't tell if I was actually sleeping or not. This week has been such a change from what became habit for us after Christmas break ended. I think because we were together most nights he got used to me being around and now that gaps are being introduced again he gets cuddly. Not that there is anything wrong with either, no matter what the cirmcumstances he is very affectionate. He's so cute in the morning with his sleepy face.

We went out to eat with his mother last night, and Brian and Amy (Jeff's brother and his girlfriend). It was a really nice Sushi place and a lovely dinner. His mom treated which was extremely generous. I had a nice time. Wine, raw fish, and fried icecream. Good stuff.

I said something to him that after it came out of my mouth had that feeling of being too direct. He wasn't bothered. We met up Tuesday after work at the tea room on Roebling and he wanted to go back to his place to paint. Which was fine. He was concerned. He usually is, but I've only ever been upset once, because it related to a request that he said no to. I can usually guess now when he'll want some personal time to paint, it's a need that comes over him at predictable moments. So when we were sitting together in the tea room I reflected for a moment and said "painting is your strongest impulse." Or words to that effect. I think it is the most important thing in his mind. Which strikes me as a difference between men and woman. Or maybe just a difference between me and Jeff? It has generally been a masculine approach to see work in relation to purpose and identity and therefore to have the highest importance. At least historically so, which leaves a hint of itself behind. And feminine to see relationship in that role. Not that I am placing a greater importance on my relationship with Jeff over my own art. It's more sweeping, all relationships take a higher importance than anything else I do or associate myself with. I value and like art, but I value people and myself more. Sometimes that means I need to be artistic. But not so overarchingly as I see it in Jeff. I think he has mild anti-social tendencies. I never hear him speak of spending time with friends and family as something he is looking forward to. It's the opposite, he feels obliged and put out. I think he generally enjoys his time despite. And he is torn at times with me, he wants both, to be with me and his art. Sometimes that works out, sometimes it doesn't. Depends on how I feel. Or maybe I am just like Jeff? But that me-time takes more forms than just art. I can be extremely anti-social. Especially at long distances. I have little desire to talk with my friends. Although I like to write to them and see them in person. I always enjoy talking to them when they call, but am never motivated to do it myself. My mom meets all those needs. She is the only person I want to go to. Maybe my life could stand some better balance?

Those thoughts have been brewing and I needed to write them.