It can be managed

I was originally going to waste these last 15 minutes looking for the link to Antoines blog on Sarah's site (only because I was there at the time) when I remembered that I have blogged in less time before. I am missing croquet at St. Johns as I blog. Oh well, I would love to see all the dressed up people (and have a picnic on the lawn on such a nice day.)

It couldn't be managed. Some problem arose and my last ten minutes went some where else. So now it's actually April 25th, I didn't go to the picnic and I'm so hungry my insides feel like they're collapsing. I noticed that before I started doing things like checking email and reading blogs I was happy to help anyone that came by, but after I started those things I got a little grumpy inside. I really hate having my train of thought interrupted, but that is a hazard of the job and my first responsibility is to help patrons. I just wish (for those few that don't) that they'd start behind the line and let me call them to my post, rather than walking up and plopping their books in my face like the Queen of Sheba. That's such a rude thing for me to say.

In other news I'm so excited! I've got a busy weekend coming and next week I go to NYC and I'll see my brother and spend some lovely quality time in central park and botanical gardens. I'm dreaming of 63 degree weather for all week with a gentle cool breeze, a dappling of happy slow white puffy clouds... bird chatter and street noise.

I am out of sorts.

I want to have a secret language that helps me get stuff off my chest but that only I would understand. Not that I would start to use it in conversation, that would be troubling. There is just so much that stirs around me (like a billowing black smoke) and keeps me upset and I don't know how to deal with it or express it, how to clear the air around me.

I like Fawna's expression "spontaneous whimpering" it's somewhat abstract, like an avant-garde dance. I don't quite understand it, but it creates a clear image in my mind. I can see the physical pose.

I went to a park on monday and did some sketching with John and Oddy (I believe that is his name and how it's spelled) a very amusing German guy that wants to be Irish and calls himself a redneck because he comes from a small town. But sketching reminded me of a life drawing class I had at SCAD. We had this severely obese model who would sleep through her session like a formless blob, unfortunately we had her a few times. Dear god, why? Why did our teacher subject us to such an unsatisfying model more than once? In the park, primarily at my instigation (unfortunately), we were very cruel and talked about the people there with their dogs and made some rather ungenerous surmises. It was very fun.

(A girl just looked at me like I _was_ speaking my own language when I told her where we- meaning the library- keep holds.)

My friend, and coworker, Perri, lost her dog and I am very sad. Mystery. She was an old black lab with grey eyebrows and a grey snout like an old man; she was a sweetheart.

Sometimes I feel very catty, I'll wait til a patron has left the building then make some comment that is probably inappropriate, sometimes because of a weird request or because they have a name that they were probably made fun of for in school, or their fines made me gasp involuntarily. I suck. My name got made fun of in school. Alright, here's one, some patrons (enough to be frequent) don't communicate, they come up with books and put them in front of me like I am telepathic, the only thing I can assume is that they want to check them out. I don't know anything else unless they say it. I just had a lady put two books down and turned out one was already on her account and she wanted it renewed, but she didn't _say_ that. Where do we go? I can be unpredictable. Every now and then I don't even think to tell people when their books are due, or I totally fail to listen to what they are saying (which becomes horribly embarrassing when I realize they made a request and I don't know what.) I need more integrity. I want to start to change, but based on the feelings that come up I still need an outlet. Is that okay with you, online blog? Can you be my outlet until I am a better person?

It's 49 dollars to fly airtran to Boston right now, I should do it. I want to see more places and fly more. I really don't travel enough, I think it would be more fulfilling to travel more.

It's beginning to look moody out, the rain is on its way. Which, strangely enough, reminded me of this freak traffic I experienced this morning on my way to work. 25 minutes to get to the light right off of 97 onto three, and a little past the light it dissipated without explanation. Did I miss something?

I want to be out on my bike, speeding down a tree lined path with the pressure of wind all around me, in shorts and a tanktop, no helmet wearing flipflops.

I've got just an ever so slightly hint of a headache coming on and no pills with me. But I can make it the hour and twenty minutes I have left, although the rest of my day may be shot after that if I can't recover. We really haven't had many people in today. They must be enjoying the lovely day and doing outside things.

Stevanne gave me catnip on monday and tuesday morning I brought it out for my cats and me and my mom sat transfixed for hours watching the cats experience it. It really is like a drug to them, they get high and disoriented. (Ambika got high, Kubiak got disoriented) Ambika, especially, was so much fun to watch! She rolled in it, rubbed it under her chin, pulled at it with her teeth and turned crazy and wired, when Kubiak finally discovered the catnip she rolled on her back and stretched out her paw to wack him.

I am so very, very upset! I had a hold on the movie flushed away for_ever_, practically back when they released it for hold and when I checked it today it had suddenly turned into Flyboys and someone at headquarters had placed it on April 16th. Why? how cruel, I would have had the fucking thing by now, there are only 16 people on hold for it now.

I keep forgetting to take my second break when I work eight hours, 45 minutes for lunch, then five rolls around and I didn't take that 15 minute break. Frick. I wanna go home, I'm tired, my back hurts and my head hurts, I don't want to do any work in my last ten minutes... Does anyone want to know how many times I said May 16th today? Too many.

Two days together

I tweaked my blog a little bit. I wonder if anyone will notice? The changes aren't catastrophically obvious.

I went out with coworkers for lunch today, that is the first time I've gone off site to eat, also the first time I've been invited. Man some crazy stuff happens here, it was a fascinating 45 minutes of library gossip. By the way, this afternoon a rig pulled into our parking lot and backed into one of our light polls also leaving some lovely tire marks in the grass island. The light poll is hanging at a very precarious angle. I think the library is like a homeless center for borderline juvenile delinquents, unstable children between the ages of eight and fourteen.

mere minutes away from leaving... I have gas and I can't think why and suddenly my foot is throbbing, I'm falling apart!

It's now thursday, but I don't know what day this will show up for? workflows was down for most of my shift, when I work at CRO, that's what happens, workflows goes down. The back-up system sucks and we can't check in any returns. Now I have 30 minutes left. Pooh. I had nothing to do most of my shift, the blasted internet was down too. Grrr. I don't know, I don't know... I just want to go home and paint. I have tomorrow off, I should paint.

I haven't been to my photo coop since January, eek, going on two and a half months without developing any pics. I have four black and white rolls I need to develop, which means I need to buy the chemicals. Not so fun, I have to mix the developer and then I never manage to use it again within its expiration date.

I'm out of here in two minutes, so I'm just going to post. Later.

Unusual

I've never done this before- posted from home. Every single post before this one occurred at work. Initially that's all I wanted it for, I had no desire (I'd almost made it a personal rule) to post outside of work. But tonight I feel like it. Maybe it's because my room is occupied by three sleeping cousins, the rest of my fam is watching tv and I don't want to and I've got nothing else to do. (Since I already browsed my friend Jonathan's art blog, created a livejournal account- which I have an eerie suspicion I may never use based on personal difficulties, and gotten as far as I could with my collaborative online journal which I know I've never mentioned on my blog before... It's still a secret I'm not ready to talk about.)

What the hell is html? I seem to be seeing it everywhere and hearing about it, I guess it's connected to things like posting images but it feels like writing code when I look at the little tab on my new post page that says "edit html".

My back hurts, I'm pretty sure I haven't eaten enough tonight and all I ever really want to do when fam comes to visit is chat around beer and wine or play a few card games. Seems like a lot of movies get watched instead, that's not an experience I get very excited about sharing with people. We see each other once every couple of months and a good deal of it gets spent in front of a tv or movie screen. sigh.

You know what I hate? Repeatedly coming up with new usernames and passwords, my memory sucks so I end up doing variations on a theme and just sort of hope I'm never a target for identity theft. Plus everything bloody creative has already been thought of, so I generally have to come up with something that is a blend of esoteric and weird. Tonight I created the username growlcat. Which was a blend of irritation and the familiar. (It must be an Earl marathon down there, it's been going on for hours it seems.)

I biked something like five miles this morning in the frigid cold and wind. This never would have happened except that my uncle invited me to bike with him while he ran. I really enjoyed it aside from one stretch where I pushed myself too much and I worried I might barf. I also got help on another hill that I couldn't make it all the way up. I had given up and resigned myself to walk the rest of the hill but Ken pushed me up, pretty cool. Sort of reminiscent of being a small child getting on a bike for the first time and getting that supportive push. I really did feel invigorated after the ride, I don't get much exercise. I wish I had someone to do that sort of thing with regularly, I don't get very motivated to on my own. I'm rather complacent. I think I really just wanted to brag about the five miles of biking, I don't get to say I do things like that very often (because I don't). I biked five miles! (with a little help)

Our computer crashed earlier this week and I just realized today that I lost all of my email info. Which is a bummer, that was like a storage space for certain contacts and links, gone. What's worse is I know I only remember some of the things I lost and not all of them. A small boon is I've stopped using the home as a base for checking my email so the more recent emails are only on the internet anyway and weren't effected.

So Last Minute

I wasn't planning on blogging tonight, but I need something to do with the last 25 minutes of work. I totally neglected to name my last blog, it slipped my mind. But that's not necessarily my favorite part of blogging, it's like naming a bunch of little books... (which randomly gave me the idea of creating a poetry blog, each entry is a poem... hmmm)

My uncle and his large family are probably at my house right now scaring the shit out of the cats, (I won't see Kubiak for the next three days) and eating all our food. They are like little vacuums, I don't think it is financially wise to produce a lot of children, like low efficiency vehicles, constantly need fuel- don't get many miles to the gallon. I hope he never reads this blog, it's all said in love, I adore these people, but the consumption has always fascinated, but it also stresses out the family, we are torn between over doing it and under doing it. Did we get enough? We'll know by tomorrow...

I made a tree for work. Have I mentioned that yet? I don't think I've blogged a whole lot lately. The bark is up. It's pretty but a little bare. I'm proud, now all the time I spent making it feels worth while. I began to feel like I went in over my head. I did all the sketching at home because the only place I could work at it here was on the desk, not gonna happen. Kept getting interrupted by patrons who needed to check out, it was a bit stressful.

Perry just compared flashing the lights (to remind people we are closing) to roaches scattering.

It's down to the last ten, there will be too many people coming through for me to get far with writing. I'm looking forward to seeing my extended fam. They are crazy and fast paced, but it's fun for a short period of time. A change, like going up to NYC and staying up til five in the morning for a week straight, but then I need a month to recuperate and get back to my own sleep schedule.

(Jonathan, your mother said I look like I filled out, that was almost the first thing she said to me, right after, "you have changed so much". It sort of feels good for some one not to think I'm a thin stick anymore, still unusual. But I have softened up a good bit in this last year.)

There is this ragamuffin family that comes in pretty regularly, the mom is a page at another branch, very sweet, but ragamuffin really captures them, I think a little girl here tonight belongs to them, she has her hair cut like she did it herself, but I wouldn't be surprised if one of the parents were responsible, man they fascinate me! Such an anomaly... It's closing time.