Nervous Anticipation

I have an interview today. At this early stage in my experience with them I am not a fan. I wonder if that is the sort of thing that ever changes? I often wonder, will I ever like public speaking? Or will it always make me feel performance anxiety? (I just want to play around with the potential of text color. How cool is that? No links, just color). I'm also not a fan of the potential a week or so after my interview getting a call to inform me they've filled the position (with someone else). I obviously have some strong codependency issues.

I've been experiencing a lot of anxiety about money too. In particular my ability to earn money in a manner that I enjoy. Plus I have this fear that the van is going to die on the highway, and I can't afford to repair of replace it, or even if it doesn't die it's going to continually need expensive repairs which will deplete my meager earnings and hinder my ability to accomplish other things that involve financial investments... like I won't be able to get my laptop, or photoshop, or ever move out! I'll have to succumb to some overtaxing full-time job that deprives me of my will and spirit... this is all over dramatized, but there are moments when it comes on that heavy. Then I try to remember there are always options, maybe not the ones I was hoping for, but there are.

(the page nabbed my rubber band bucket. No biggie, I shouldn't be needing it urgently). But why did she yoink mine?

So I've been holding off on putting the pink highlights in my hair until after the interview at Library Headquarters. The logic being trying to appear as professional as _I_ am capable of. But part of me feels like that is deceitful, if I get the job, showing up with new pink highlights. But I don't think they are exactly scandalous. I guess I don't want her to get the impression that I am too young for the position, I believe I would be judged inaccurately because of them. I have complete confidence that they would be satisfied with my work.

There was a man in here earlier today with Johnny cash singing softly from some where on his body. It was some what unreal. I just wanted to know what sort of device he was carrying that was doing that. I asked him, but he didn't really answer, I think being posed the question in a library stimulated a different direction in his thoughts- mainly oops. He couldn't hear it. Then he went on a mild mannered diatribe about the physical casualties of age, hearing, eyesight, wrinkles (he described them as many, many wrinkles all over your face). Was he actually carrying a mini tape deck with a speaker- or something else of the sort? It was the Johnny cash song with the word "fire" in it... I only have a faint recollection of the tune and that is the only word that comes to mind... Spittle. (I just got my rubber bands back, hee.)

I started an art project yesterday that I had to postpone because I ran out of spray paint. Maybe I should call it a craft, or a bastard of art and craft? I took a piece of branch that came off one of our trees after an ice storm and "planted" it in a pretty ceramic pot, I'm spray painting it pink and I'm going to make a spattering of flowers at the tips of the branches. I've got a little nook in my room I think it will fit into nicely. I did it in the shed, even with a mask on the smell was noxious, I covered most everything with drop cloth, that pink spray paint sure travelled, I really didn't think the spray would reach as far as it did! My mom was right. If I could have concentrated the spray simply on the area I _wanted_ it on I probably would have finished the job. The plastic around the base of the tree out by two feet at least was totally pink.

My god! I've had virtually nothing to do for hours! An occasional patron checking out... I keep putting my head down, it reminds me of being at school, bored.

I made myself a sandwich for lunch today and I couldn't finish it because something about the combination of tastes resembled the smell of farm animals, I felt like I was eating that smell, slightly unpalatable... After the bout with food poisoning I have this heightened fear of it happening again _soon_. I keep reminding myself that it isn't likely, but anytime something tastes off that is my first thought. Although the crap that was guilty didn't taste off at all.

I just remembered I have an unfinished post saved as draft. I think I'll visit it. Maybe even post it.

Too many dark movies

So I've been watching all kinds of movies this week... The Prestige, the Illusionist, Pans Labyrinth... A lot of dark stuff, I wouldn't say the Illusionist is actually all that dark, but at the end it feels like they did something pretty sinister. The Prestige was really messed up. Not heartbreaking, just disturbing, even the wife that hangs herself in the studio, doesn't break your heart so much as disturb. Hugh Jackman's character ends up being the worst, so drivin by revenge he will sacrafice anyone to it, even himself in a sense, all those clones were probably just like him... He killed himself over and over again. Why? What is the purpose of the story? To be dark and clever? It certainly is clever, but I didn't care about any of the characters, accept the little girl, and just a little, we didn't get much of her. She was the only thing Christian Bales character wouldn't sacrafice to the secret, but everything else, even his own brother... I guess it was kind of like one person with two bodies. In the end he gave up his second life.

But Pan's Labyrinth was special. It had some very precious and beautiful characters who I grew to love deeply and characters (well, one really) that I truly hated, The Captain. It was gratifying to see him injured and to see him die and on top of that with that stupification after Mercedes delivers the most powerful line in the movie. Fuck yeah! Destroyed by the two women he dismissed! They were two of the strongest characters in the movie. Definitely gruesome, I closed my eyes a good deal, but the sound effects were quite suggestive and gross, like they made a point of making the noises as gross as possible. Really helped my imagination along. Eh. One thing from that movie really hangs around in my mind, that baby devouring wasted looking naked nonhuman beast thing with the eyes in its hands. Her fantasy world was just as dark as the real world she was escaping sometimes even darker, and so dangerous.

I guess I thought I might have more in mind to say, but I don't... I just keep thinking about how important Pan's Labyrinth is to my brother, which is why I went to see it. He said the heartbreak and the pain reminded him that he was alive, that he came back to the movie three times just to see her (Ofelia) living. I got to talk to him a lot about the movie, but there was one question I never got to ask. Why did the heartbreak and pain make him feel so alive? I think that is one of those things I only vaguely understand with my mind, and don't grasp with my heart.

Being Mistaken

I must confess, that wonderful day I predicted wasn't quite what I had planned for myself. Sort of got high-jacked by my family... took a new direction called "Pan's Labyrinth". (And Wendy's.) What a movie, but it's not in me to talk about it now. And plenty is to be said... I did get around to googling photoshop, I think I'll do the same with Illustrator, just not today. It is pretty cool that I can test them both out for free. I will, feel out which one I should get (pretty sure it'll be photoshop... But maybe not? Vector or pixels?) I really enjoyed Illustrator in college, I undestood it... But they both are a language in a sense, and I'll have to learn them. The problem I had at school was retention, I kept forgetting how to do everything because there is so much in each program.

My appetite has been weird for days, I feel hungrier than usual. I can't tell if it is just my psyche or if there is something physical after the food poisoning. It's been over a week, but my hunger is a gnawing hunger and I keep eating, substantailly at that. Lots of protein, and starch, I know it isn't terribly healthy, but I have a big stomach for them right now.

A Quickie

I was so excited about this eight hour shift (shocker) because I thouhgt I'd get so much done, (blogging, online searches) after all, I'm working at WCO, slowest branch in Anne Arundel... But after the myraid of snow days this week business is booming. I've got thirty minutes left on my shift and I just want to jot some quick thoughts.

Anonymous, you are welcome to share, but I would appreciate your name. I don't like the idea of communicating with unidentified people, I could never distinguish one anonymous from another...

It's impossible for me to shift into blogging right now with such a short period to work with, so much is boiling inside right now too. I'm on the market for a laptop, it's exciting to make a decision like that. After all, it feels like the sort of thing I could never really have. But I'm finally getting some of my priorities straight. Very straight. But not til October when my CD matures and I won't be penalized for using that money... I'm going to buy photoshop, which I didn't get around to browsing on the internet today. I've been informed that I can try it out for a month for free, which sounds amazing, but I must see if this wonderful possibility is real.

Oh, Fawna, I didn't know that dead people still fart. At first it sounds like a sort of joke, but is that a random fact?

Tomorrow is an important day. A day for doing wonderful things!

Oh, I don't know

I don't really feel like blogging right now, but I'm at work and I've got nothing else to do. I set up my miter table saw yesterday and used it for the first time. Freaking awesome! That is one purchase I won't be regretting. I was cutting everything by hand. Tedious and a lot of variation in cuts. Which is okay with most of my work, because it's supposed to be like that. But I like 45 degree angles to meet nicely. I also like being able to do more in less time. The thing I'm still debating is whether or not to get a table sander... I'm very particular about sanding my wood, I like to bring out the variations in the grain and I'm concerned a belt sander would just muscle through it all and leave an even, smooth surface. Unfortunately the sanding is actually the most labor intensive part of the process. So I was out in the shed yesterday with my very efficient space heater and iboom just thoroughly enjoying myself. I wish I were there right now, I've got a partially completed project. I don't like putting something on hold when I'm geared towards the work, everything else begins to feel like an impediment and a distraction, (even fun).

A thought... I know in MD they publish and promote their homegrown authors and illustrators, I wonder if I can get published that way... the author is from MN, I wonder if that matters, or if we could pull off both? She gets published in MN as a local and me in MD? Must look in to that. A bit of the cart before the horse, need to finish the book first. I think I'm going to take a shot at illustrating it in photoshop, that would make my life a million times easier and I'd be able to solve a lot of the color conundrums that way. No issues with consistent fields of color. How is that not a bitch for every painter? I feel like there's something I don't know...

I want to go on a safari, and meet some hunky australian guide. (Although, I understand that australian men are womanizing brutes and that's no good.) This is a rather slow three hour shift for me, I'm just not here... Pschological resistance. I want to be at home with my miter saw.

Intellectualizing

Okay, so I've been thinking about something. Maybe I explored this idea once before? It's Perhaps a little dark, or disturbing (something like that, not quite sure of the right word.) But what got me wondering was the predator-prey relationship. There is the natural (not evil) world relationship of predator animals and herbivores and then the more complicated human predator-prey relationships. Examples, I suppose, are endless, sex predators, money predators, power and fame predators, tyrants... What has been sloshing around in my mind on the fringe is do they serve a similar purpose? Keeping the cycle of life in check? Part of me says no, how can evil help establish balance, but many conversations tend quietly in that direction. With out bad is there such a thing as good, would we still appreciate the good? Yin and yang... Much of our universal view accepts that idea of evil and good balancing each other... But I'm making an accidental assumption, that the prey equates to good when it is simply neutral. The human predator is not neutral, there is an active evil. The other thing is population control, we tend to think of animal population control with indifference, the wolves are good because they help keep the deer from spiraling out of control. It's harsh, but we take a different perspective on people. Overpopulation is touchy. What is a proper way to handle human overpopulation, we are similar to animals in that we can't be expected as a majority to change our behaviors. The gov creates a limit on births allowed which causes two things to happen, first forced abortion, and then preferential choices creating lack of balance between the numbers of females to males... Overpopulation also gets me thinking about Africa and aids and the s-curve of deaths, (that lack of balance devastating lives)...

What if what happens is because we are irresponsible with our world, personal lives, other peoples lives (etc) the lack of balance we create causes other factors like predators? They are part of that out-of-balance... I guess it's not really a cause but part of the dynamic... Does that explain sociopaths and serial killers...? Something needs to make sense of that... Becoming totally out of touch with balance. I find the prospect of achieving full balance so daunting I will never attempt it, I seek balance in small ways, ways that seem psychologically achievable to me. But I don't believe that I can ever have full balance in my life, or even something very close. I don't have the discipline, desire, or will. Too much work, too much fighting.

Apparently there is a pth position open at Headquarters, processing and ordering new books, I must say it interests me. The pay is only a dollar more an hour, but I think it would be a steady schedule... less stress and I am beginning to get stressed by this position. It can't hurt to apply. I'm kind of excited, but it does mean another resume and possibly another interview, not fond of those two things. It might also end my new life of blogging, no more down time at work. (I'm sure my readership would be irreparably damaged by the loss of my writing.) But I still miss being a page, this job is too much contact with the patron world, even though I know it's been good for me, I like quiet jobs that keep me busy. I keep wondering about info... would I like it? The longing of my heart is some quiet, background job where I am left to my own devices... Of which paging was perfect but the pay atrocious.

I'm kind of chipper because I finely accomplished some of those looming projects that plague my psyche. It's such a tiny dent, but the fact that I sat down and dedicated my day to them makes me feel clean. Funny how the most morally neutral things can be associated with "clean" or "dirty" feelings. I know it's because of how we handle them that those feelings arise.

I still plan to make and cover a box tonight, and trim the matte for a couple photos. I wish I had the materials to attach wire to the back of a picture frame, I'd like the satisfaction of knowing it's completely done.

Sweet! My hold is available, so that gives me some lovely background viewing while I work. I'm being a lazy bum, I decided an hour ago that I wouldn't check the book drop before I left. Partly because I'm leaving before the branch closes and I don't feel responsible for it (but also the book drop is right next to the doors and it's feakin bitter cold outside.) I try to sneak by the door sensor so it doesn't open and blast me with cold air. It's a bit of a wind tunnel at the circ desk, two doors back to back and then us in a direct line.

It's black history appreciation month. These appreciation months always seem to slip by quietly unnoticed, sort of happening in the background, like a school program for kids and your an adult with out children; doesn't seem to effect your life. Why aren't these things more a part of our public life? No uniting element like school? But there are ways to do it, after all we all get excited about the fourth of july and new years. Mainly because it gives us a reason to party and be jubilant and see fire works... We unite around politics some times, but not so much about our history...

Driving angry

I am in a foul mood today... i can't seem to shake it. Hormones don't help I imagine, but maybe they really aren't playing a factor right now. (funny expression) MDC on monday mornings is pretty quiet, not a soul around; just a great time to blog for four hours. At least I'm hoping that's how long my shift is. (Although, I will have to help process holds shortly.) I think I've started accepting too many hours again, my god I seem to get offers every day now. I've gotten good at not over doing the long shifts, but I've got a sort of fear based tendency to suck up any short shifts they offer so I have a good excuse not to accept a long shift. Stupid.

I've been thinking about photoshop lately, (as in since yesterday) and a mac laptop. They've entered the wish list, they used to be in the far distance, but I'm thinking I want them to become part of my life a little sooner. Photoshop is expensive (as if a mac laptop isn't... I think they're both around about the same price... ) I think I wouldn' t do internet for a while, my laptop would essentially be a portable photoshop. (smile) I'd really like to start an art blog, but I have a few complications to contend with. I don't have a digital camera (maybe I can scan and upload to the blog? But most of my pieces are too big, grr.) But that's all moot, I can't blog at home because my mom's computer is over-secured. (hopefully if she ever reads my blog she isn't offended. I love you mom. :) Just not your over-secured computer.)

It is so cold out today that in the car -with my gloves on- my fingers were stinging. I think it always takes longer for a car to heat up in cold weather. I have a space heater at home that produces instant heat, I need that in my car... Is there such a thing as a cordless space heater? How dangerous would that be? Maybe I just need to develop a habit of warming the car up before I leave... That would require thinking about it ten minutes before I need to leave, I don't seem to ever think of things like that.

I don't have enough time for my own life! And I know it's my own fault... must make effort to correct that. I can't believe how quickly my schedule is filling in, months and months already fully booked... I think it would be wise to leave space for call-ins, and last minutes... But that is hard to do. In winter it's easy to bank on many last minute calls, so many people get sick and call out. But that enters the realm of unpredictable in spring...

Sarah, how do I create links on my blog? I know I made a comment about how you have a consistent readership of two, well, I have a readership of one. And also, when I search for your blog on google it can't find you. I can only get to you through the link included in your email. Which will be lost once I check at home... My technological access is complicated by wonky settings. (Maybe I should give up checking at home...)

I am going to get slides and cd-roms of my art work. I just have to do that, I've put it off too long because of expenses, it's too important to make it such a low priority in my life. And I'm going to register myself on the Maryland artists website. I've wavered, because I have no idea how much longer I'll be an MD resident (I thought I was going to move last summer, heh) but here I am still.

I think I've been a little needy on the floor, one of those days where I don't seem to know anything that comes by me and I seem to be making stupid decisions, not a day of feeling empowered... No indeed. I hate it when I find I have to ask lots of questions in a short period of time, here comes Sarah the Annoying again, run away run away! But people are always very nice. 11 minutes to go. Hopefully I can get through these last minutes without being confronted with problems I can't fulfill. I don't know where the new registration bin is! It's a secret apparently.

When I leave I'm going to have to go through the same process of trying to warm my car up, I'm so bitchy about it today because I believe this is the coldest day we've had yet (and windy to boot) I can't go further north. How can people bare it? I'd have to hibernate in my house all winter. But I'm not feeling foul anymore.

Wake up sleepy head...

Anxiety attacks

I had a different kind of anxiety last night, new to me. It reminded me of the anxiety Sarah tells me she gets sometimes, the kind that wakes you up in the night, frequently. I kept waking up and each time I was so upset that I felt sick. Like all anxiety attacks there was a sort of irrationality about it that I recognized, but that realization didn't help me to shake it. On the surface I felt like what I was upset about going to bed too late and that I would be overwhelmed the next day getting up early for work. This usually wouldn't be a concern accept that I am on the third day of my period and this tends to be a time of heightened sensitivity. It was rather shocking to me that I was so upset.

bLAH! It's been positively crazy today! Short blog, I like them to be long... I guess the weekends are busy here. But this has been eight hours of busy rather than the four hours on sunday. Still helps the shift to fly by. A calm has settled in!

Spiritual Renaissance... A couple things recently have been coming up and they are lingering in my mind... I think both come out of south america, (one is fictional, same concept the other a prophecy from the past.) Something like quequeg, but that's not quite it, the only thing I know I have right in that name is the first q. Both ideas (the fictional one is the Celestine Prophecy) are that there is a spiritual change coming to the world that is going to alter how people see the world and there for live, a very positive change. There was a man being interviewed on the radio this morning who had been down to south america and had these experiences, and he wrote about them, and he believes more people are going to have them, he said he isn't quite sure what they were and he is of a skeptical nature... I missed the begining of the interview... But it struck me that what these things are talking about is a spiritual renaissance, the man in the interview talked about how our culture is going back towards religion/spirituality in a rejection of (science? politics? corruption?) it's just a vaigue sense... He related it to the enlightenment, but I'm sketchy about the enlightenment, that is why I am inclined to call it a spiritual renaissance... That to me indicates a blossoming from the inside and great potential.

better sign off.

Self Reflection (and a little mindless blah blah)

There is something exciting (but also sad) about seeing each new post at the front of my blog. (sad because my very first one will keep receding further and further away, forgotten and last. )
I got my period today. This is the first time (since I started Circ) that I've worked the first day of my period. So far so good.

I spent two full days in the photo lab! Hell yeah. I could practically live there. What a toasty building! It's nice at first, coming in from the brutal winter cold to a veritable furnace. I spent the first day in my tank top, oui.

I think the scheduling process is a little bit rigid here, "at this hour these people are on the floor, and these people are in the back, at this hour so-and-so gets a break and so-and-so covers them..." Where is the spirit of potential? Needs flexibility. What if my body isn't ready to eat between the hours of one and two? I'm out of luck because I can't take a break after that, no coverage... As close as that may sound to bitching, I'm really not, it's sort of something that congealed for me just now. My arm is so soar! And it's my main arm, it's the photo lab, I have to lift these 20x24 inch trays of chemicals to pour them back in the bottles, one tight little ball of focused pain at the top of my arm right in the middle. I tried a tactic I learned form my massage therapist, pressing and holding down on the ball of tension. Worked like a charm at first, but it came back. Lifting the books triggers it every time, it's a bitch, gonna be eight hours of that. poop. I'm kind of a whiner. It's really not that bad, but I hate any kind of persistent discomfort.

I've been having troubling dreams. But one in particular last night is leaving me feeling sort of empty or lost, I can't quite capture what the sensation is. But I'm wondering "now where am I?" in my journey, in my life in my identity... Where am I? Just what is the state in there? What do I really know about myself? How much of a _me_ do I have? I'm suspecting not a lot.

I'm surprised, it's nearly three, which means I've made it through six hours of my shift without really noticing them. That is truly unprecedented. On top of having the first day of my period. No headache, I don't feel spent... Awesome.

I want to get some pink highlights in my hair, I have this vague curiosity about whether that will scandalize the library? Probably not. Pink highlights aren't that edgy. I might just look like a barbie, or worse a Brat's doll! Dear God... I'm still going to do it. Pink highlights! What a blast.

I need a new W-2 form. Or my income this year is going to bite me in the butt come tax time next year... I've been having some trouble locating one. Erg... One month without taxes coming out, not too painful... It's sure gonna hurt seeing taxes start coming out of my paychecks... (It didn't strike me until this moment that this is a perfect venue for diatribing... I could vent about all my political/govermental frustrations... If I ever feel so inclined. It happens)

Hmph. I just saw a man of "distinguished age" rush to get in front of a family to exit sooner. Not very impressive. Just big apes.

There is a young woman (my brothers age in fact) who I've only seen in here twice now, today for the second time. The first time she was sitting in the grass with her baby her back to me and everything about that moment made me feel like she was Kim. blond hair in a short pony tail, young mother, her aura or prescense... It made me sad, she is always in my heart, most often far off, but something like that brings her up to the surface. I think it's one of those pains that will always be there, no matter how distant it becomes... Things from the past that can not heal. Like Savannah, Lillian, and Jonathan. Arcosanti and Nick when he's distant. It's amazing the myriad of different feelings we host for all the moments, people and places in our life and past... For some people hurt, others have died to me and I harbor some anger towards them...Perhaps for their failures or indifference. Indifference is a sort of failure...