The story

I'm pretty sure I shouldn't post this but I think I need to send it out into the eternity of electronic space. I can't think of a man more perfect than Alan and someday I want my own Alan. But I don't know if there is another Alan out there, one for me.

pouting

It looks like I missed all of March, and nearly April. That isn't true, I guess it's just past the middle of the month. My blog is my friend tonight, I need someone to confide in, even quietly. Perhaps a journal would be more suitable... I'll start with all the meaningless rambling. I painted the shed door today, erasure pink, I love that name. It really captures the color. Took a rather fretful walk around the neighborhood feeling like I really wanted to be doing something more substantial (running, in fact) but I can't run because I always get a cramp not even a minute in. I want to be a runner. I jogged a bit sporadically to help alleviate the desire to run and that seemed to satiate me. I also planted a rather dinky hibiscus. Supposedly it will spread.

I just finished watching the Masterpiece theater production of Sense and Sensibility, it totaled around three hours or a bit more. It was remarkably dramatic and I confess I enjoyed it very much. Even when it strayed from the original story quite irreligiously. I really should have put water in the bird bath today and filled the feeders, but I didn't. Maybe tomorrow.

So what's really on my mind is relationships and how very very bad I am at them. I really don't know how to do them right. I haven't done a single one right in the past (or I might still be in one of them... Not that I really want that. Which is something worth chewing on...) But I'd like to do at least a bit better over time, better now than then. It's not helping me to think that it really takes two people to make a relationship work... I think because I've been so unsatisfied with my side. I feel somewhat torn between two conflicting feelings, one is the recognition that being single can be quite lonely (as I recently was) and then the rather unhelpful realization that I do rather well on my own as far as meeting most of my needs. Companionship involves change, and often being put out in very specific areas. (I always sleep better alone... but it's lonely) I like being in a relationship, especially once I get past the first week (which for me invariably involves feeling like I want to run away and then is gone). I've learned I have to coast through the first week and try not to be too rash because I usually feel very differently. If after that I still want to run away, well, different matter. In so many ways I still feel like I don't know myself, I am this blank mystery.

My little painting didn't sell at MAP. Bugger. I was kind of hoping it would be a one way trip. drop it off and don't come back. No one wanted to spend a hundred bucks on it, I understand, if not for the 50% the gallery takes it would have been 50. (My cat is almost snoring, she just climbed into that chair and is already out. Even my cats fall asleep faster than I do...WTF?)

I feel like I need an outlet for my feelings. In the sense that they need to be gotten out. Like I'm holding a charge or something. I don't know, I don't know... I really wish I could see Perri and Alan this weekend, but I couldn't pluck up the moxy to ask. Plus I think rockband would be an excellent outlet, really excellent. If I could afford such an elaborate game system I would in fact want it.

Lets see the authors name was P something, Paulson! Gary Paulson and the book was something about birds, playing off of our familiarity with the birds and the bees but more clever and subtle, about puberty. I should have picked it up, so what if I'm in the middle of five different books? I liked the little bit I read in the library.

I'm going to New York on monday, til thursday. I plan to spend much much less than usual and be surprisingly disciplined. (More than likely I won't pull it off, when do I ever? But I am determined to try diligently and prove myself very wrong.) Online blog what is the right way to go about a relationship? I am an even mix of hesitance and over eagerness, simultaneously ready to share every thing but also reserved and distant. And I flip flop between the two because I can't fucking regulate myself! What is that about? Neither is very winning and what an appalling combination... "I never know what you're thinking" and "too much information", that's me. I have successfully tamed the inclination to share too much so far, but that is almost a daily battle. My preferred methods being email and text... Both of which he uses quite sparingly. He likes his space, when I am in my rational mind I do too, but now, in the beginning of something new, that all goes to pot and I long to be needed. When you doll out time together and find the tally is around one day together a week, (perhaps one and a half) a few months could theoretically pass and you really haven't seen each other that much. Weighing out a relationship in those terms it seems it would be a little too easy to stretch it out. And the question is, what does it mean? We are very different people, and that is still eating at me, in the sense of how do we come together and relate? Flesh out our time together... Talking hasn't been a problem in general, at moments yes. And I often slip into feeling reserved. It takes me so long to become comfortable, I can't say I've had many relationships that have lasted long enough for me to actually get comfortable. (the bit I hate to admit is I know ultimately that takes a lifetime...)

So I'm really enjoying the piano these days. I am actually exercising a fair amount of discipline there that I can't say I ever have before. Correcting lazy playing (like the in the songs that I've played and known forever where there are bits and stretches I've formed the habit of playing incorrectly and never corrected) now I'm retraining myself to do the songs right and it's really gratifying. I'm turning into a decent pianist. after all these years... Well, I want to go to bed.