Going back to random

I was very sad before I came in to work today. But I feel better now, normal-ish. I forgot my purse, I think. I don't believe I've done that before when going to work... My little brother is in town til tomorrow. My aunt Kay is coming into town, well, tomorrow too and I have a dinner party that has been planned for a month that I just remembered today will be in conflict. Frick. But tomorrow is also my last day of work! Plus when they leave on monday I'll be going with them. Yey! Although that is a mixed yay... A part of me feels really deflated and defeated. I'm not wearing a badge.

I don't know if this is going to develop much. But I must say that despite feeling rather on the bored side of things the time keeps passing. I've done three hours so I like to think now I have a five hour shift... It works better when I don't articulate it.

How to speak?... I don't know, I don't know. John has an iphone and after seeing one up close I want one. They truly are amazing. But that's not going to happen. I don't think I'll ever be willing to drop $500 on a phone, even if I managed to save up enough. Plus I don't really need to do internet with a phone (but I can't deny it would be fun and useful at times.)

It's been a while since I haven't worked. A couple years. I think in my mind I always remember liking it better than I really did. I think I feel a bit lost with all that undefined time. When I work it's easy enough to identify what I'd rather be doing. But when I've got all the free time in the world I seem to have a hard time knowing where to start?

I'm thinking I'd like a couple little wings on my shoulder blades... I don't imagine that is an area of my body that will ever be layered in much fat. I'm getting all these emails from my coworkers wishing me well, asking to be updated and offering up names of people that they know in NY who are vaguely involved in the arts. It's nice, but a little overwhelming right now. I'm not so good at keeping people posted. I tend to let that sort of stuff slip entirely out of my mind. I kind of want to... I like keeping in touch with my friends. Even thought I like my coworkers a lot, I don't want to keep in mind updating them. I probably will anyway. I should write the branch addresses in my sketch book.

I flew through the first potter book. I like how she describes people as going pink when they're angry. As well as a myriad of other colors like green and purple. For the first time I'm rather frustrated I can't read at work, I just feel like plowing through them... (like knitting last winter, although I'm not as useless now, I can do other things.) Hmmm. John suggested temping, he knows a girl who makes $20 an hour temping. I couldn't complain although I imagine I'd hate the work right away... maybe not, since the jobs would always be changing. What a way to pay someone for seriously temporary work... I wonder if temp agencies serve in the capacity of filling in desperation. Maybe that's why they make so much? Because these places are paying highly for untrained people, weird.

I have a semi-research nature that I inherited from my mom. A desire to do things thoroughly. Like with this harry potter thing, I think I'll read a book and watch the corresponding movie plus all extra stuff. I might even listen to the books on disc too, Rich (an info guy at CRO) recommended it, said it adds a nice dimension to the experience. Plus the extra books that Rowling wrote.

Johns been playing the Amelie sound track in the car and every time I hear it right now I want to cry. Plus the stuff he plays on his ipod when he showers makes me want to cry, pretty and sad. I guess I have a little melancholy surfacing. (I need to make my bed. I'm such a lazy bastard.)

Welcome comrades

I had a dream about an evil magical younger sister who hid my baggage after traveling on a ship to a port to catch a flying bus. The bus turned out to be an old clunky red chevy van (the red neck kind) and the bus driver was a some what cranky old woman. I was not particularly confident in the vehicle. I was taking it to Florida, it was similar to the china town bus, at least that's what I thought it would be. Me and my evil sister had to push the bus down the port while the bus driver walked in front, the right side of the bus was off the ledge hanging over the water because the van was too big for the port. We had to push it out over the water where it hovered and we loaded up. That's when I realized I didn't have my bag. I was sitting in the back of the van feeling very nervous about a flying bus and I realized I hadn't brought my bag. It was a white and black striped cloth that was poofy and shaped like a duffel bag, but not quite as big. So I went back to the ship, but as I came close I saw that the ship wasn't docked but rather moving around in port and I was afraid they were leaving on their next journey, but as I observed the behavior on deck I realized they were just running drills. The young captain had his sword drawn and another sailor was manning a button that activated three rows of poles that swooped at him, so he was sword fighting poles that were on a lever with a bungee cord that swung them up and down. At this point I was flying and watching from above and waiting for a moment when the poles weren't swinging up and down so I could come and look for my bag. When the young captain realized I was there for my bag he was some what defensive, expostulating that they had not lost my bag. I reassured him that I didn't believe they had. He said he would look for me but I told him I would do it myself and I began to go through all these drawers on the side of the ship that were stuffed with attractive printed fabrics. Then he mentioned his evil magical sister who did things like steal bags. In frustration I realized she had, indeed, stolen by bag and as I left I said "yes, my little sister is never subtle" (or something along those lines) at which point I gasped and covered my mouth and broke into intense weeping because I had been bound by life long secrecy from speaking of my sisterhood, the captain didn't know that I was his sister. He rushed to me and clasped me around my waist in a hug and said something to the effect of "you are my sister!"

Not one of my more realistic dreams which I've been having lately. Anyway, I've started working on a childrens book that is pretty much about my dad and how he will eat almost anything. In the book he will, in fact, eat anything. It's been fun; it's still in the thumbnail stage where I'm roughing out ideas and figuring out different pictures. I've got seven or eight pictures so far (including the cover) but I feel more is needed to fill out the story... Maybe not, maybe just a couple more will do. I keep thinking about how the possum story I'm working on is really quite short, there are maybe ten or eleven pictures which amounts more to a JE book than a JP. I'll explain because that is library code that helps me distinguish different age group and style reading materials. JE is usually kindergarten to second grade reading in a much smaller format designed to help children learn to read (and usually has some obscure moral) and JP books really range from baby to, not sure... but they are primarily picture books with simple writing, more pictures to less words. JP lend themselves to the artist and JE to the writer. American childrens books, in general, tend to have some moral. Not that that's a problem, but it comes up like a burden of responsibility that every book made for children must, in some way, encourage them to be a better person and a responsible citizen. Eek, it's like subtle communism. Social training masked in a friendly voice (with adorable animal characters). Comrade Billy be nice to comrade sally and always eat your peas.

I had a brain damaged man in a wheel chair refer to me as a cute white bitch yesterday. That was a shocker. I was walking a female dog at the time. He lives in my neighborhood and "walks" around the circle all the time. My neighborhood is a big circle. I used to avoid him because his inappropriate comments unnerved me but yesterday, even though it freaked me out, he didn't really bother me. I guess the fact that he is utterly harmless in more than one way really set in and I didn't feel threatened by him. If I knew more about brain damage these experiences would probably be more illuminated. Obviously a part of the brain that recognizes and cares about what is appropriate is damaged. He doesn't recognize an inhibition from expressing his raunchy thoughts. Want to know what men really think with out the censorship? Spend time around one with brain damage, it's disturbing.

I'm going to start reading the harry potter books. Crazy thing is the first book dates back to when I was eighteen. I didn't know until around 2000 something that these books even existed. Kind of weird. I think it was Janet Witherspoon that made me fully aware of the Harry Potter books. I remember how much she loved them. I'm checking the first book out today, along with a book on the GRE. My free month sans work will be one of busting ass studying and, well, preparing for a life of dedicated independence. The problem is that it's not the sort of thing you can take time off from... Once I start, well, I'm kind of committed. (I know there's always a place for me at home...)

I want to eat. Hopefully my uncle ken and julia and jack will still be in town when I get off. I like having them around, even if it does mean sleeping on a bed that makes my neck ache. Yes, I do like sleeping in the living room under the large bay window, but that damn couch bed is uncomfortable. I slept on it backwards last night, which did help, but it meant my feet were elevated slightly above my head all night and I kept waking up periodically with a stuffed nose. Weird.

I've been taking care of a stressed out dog for close to a week now. The circumstances have been sporadic and I think she recognizes the tension and the unpredictable schedule is negatively impacting her. I feel bad, I've had family in town and I've been more concerned about my own mopey needs and desires that I really haven't been there for her much. I feed her and walk her so her physical needs are met, but not those demanding emotional ones...

I found the most comfortable hoody yesterday. So I'm wearing it with a blue dress and they are definitely clashing. I don't care, the comfort is totally worth it. I think I have an obsession with hoodies. As much so as with shoes even...

A Brief Sabbatical

It's been a while, I know. I've been tired and cynical. I wanted my blog to be a place that I speak honestly from my heart and I haven't felt anything but anger for a few weeks. It was a kind of giving up, when I give up I have no heart in a sense, just hate. But that has passed and I think the fear and uncertainty are back, my driving forces. My last day of work is August 31, a dawning certainty is setting in and I'm scared. Because this is where I express my fears I think it sometimes sounds like I'm quiting or backing away, but I don't mean to. It's by speaking them that I'm able to press through and jump in the wave. I feel free right now, tall, independent and free. I don't always.

There is this deep feeling in me I don't think I've ever expressed before that I don't think who I am now should really exist. A dream I had last night really brought this to the surface. There was a young man who had been in a terrible accident and he was unconscious. A woman next to me told me he shouldn't even be alive. That is how I feel about myself, not physically, but that I've been this dead person and I can't understand how I came to life and it doesn't make sense to me. Who I was seemed contrary to the possibility of becoming someone else.

Something I've been thinking about on the periphery is I seem to attract men that attach immediate inappropriate expectations on me. (Nothing nasty.) Usually it has to do with my time and attention. It's exhausting. I hate it. Like they think they own me or a right to me. Fucking bastards. Screw them! Nobody owns me. It's a liberating perspective.

When I woke up today my jaw was really sore, it was one of those clenching nights. Tense dreams. It's a horrible feeling. It still hurts. Hopefully tonight will be more peaceful.

I bought new running shoes, I have shorts and those smooshing bras. It's exciting. Still hard for me and I don't have great stamina yet, but I'm improving. It makes me sweat and my lungs sting because I'm breathing in so deeply, I like that. What I don't like is the occasional abdominal cramp that takes me out.