A Brief Sabbatical

It's been a while, I know. I've been tired and cynical. I wanted my blog to be a place that I speak honestly from my heart and I haven't felt anything but anger for a few weeks. It was a kind of giving up, when I give up I have no heart in a sense, just hate. But that has passed and I think the fear and uncertainty are back, my driving forces. My last day of work is August 31, a dawning certainty is setting in and I'm scared. Because this is where I express my fears I think it sometimes sounds like I'm quiting or backing away, but I don't mean to. It's by speaking them that I'm able to press through and jump in the wave. I feel free right now, tall, independent and free. I don't always.

There is this deep feeling in me I don't think I've ever expressed before that I don't think who I am now should really exist. A dream I had last night really brought this to the surface. There was a young man who had been in a terrible accident and he was unconscious. A woman next to me told me he shouldn't even be alive. That is how I feel about myself, not physically, but that I've been this dead person and I can't understand how I came to life and it doesn't make sense to me. Who I was seemed contrary to the possibility of becoming someone else.

Something I've been thinking about on the periphery is I seem to attract men that attach immediate inappropriate expectations on me. (Nothing nasty.) Usually it has to do with my time and attention. It's exhausting. I hate it. Like they think they own me or a right to me. Fucking bastards. Screw them! Nobody owns me. It's a liberating perspective.

When I woke up today my jaw was really sore, it was one of those clenching nights. Tense dreams. It's a horrible feeling. It still hurts. Hopefully tonight will be more peaceful.

I bought new running shoes, I have shorts and those smooshing bras. It's exciting. Still hard for me and I don't have great stamina yet, but I'm improving. It makes me sweat and my lungs sting because I'm breathing in so deeply, I like that. What I don't like is the occasional abdominal cramp that takes me out.