Loneliest Number

My bum is so sore today. I went biking yesterday and the part of me that hurts most is my butt! I have this six speed mountain bike that I bought from a neighbor. It's nice, incredibly light weight, but when I took it up hill I began to think I was even worse out of shape than I thought. My friends began to outdistance me and I was struggling to keep pace. (It didn't help that I hadn't eaten.) Once we had gotten to the half way point in the trip my front tire went instantly flat. John let me take his bike, very generously, and I quickly learned that a bike with more gears is infinitely easier to ride. Oy. We had a wonderful lunch at an Indian restaurant in Baltimore. That's actually the second time I've had an Indian buffet. They have these very interesting deserts that resemble donuts, they sit in a cool liquid and they're quite sweet. A sort of dumpling.

Predicaments! A pile of cd's got returned a little while ago and two were missing discs. That is actually unprecedented. All from the same person, but I didn't see them, wish I had, both their address and phone number are illegitimate which makes contacting them impossible, not surprisingly this person is also blocked. I also have something else I don't know what to do with. A patron hold with the wrong movie inside... Just a friendly little know saying the right one is expected in a couple days. In the meantime what? I'm alone on the desk. Questions will have to wait.

I feel alone on my blog too. My friends aren't responding anymore. Maybe it's facebook? Or their lives are very busy right now? One is the loneliest number. Now I put that song in my head.

My philosophy book group is dwindling down. John and Stevanne want to figure out how to recruit more people. I can't really help on that account. The one friend I know who is into that already goes.

Speaking in another language

So I'm not sure about facebook... They don't actually work with comcast so I can't search friends. How fucking retarded. What's the point? My initial impression is that it's all interaction based, you send a message, someone responds. If I can't establish friends there isn't much I can do on facebook. I'm slightly bitter. Fuck facebook.

There is a young man(?) who I've seen come in and go out now and I'm very curious, when he came in I was leaning towards young woman... Physique seems masculine but he wears makeup, a red headband and appears to shave his legs... A sort of Tim Curry from Rocky horror picture show character. Or something out of Cabaret. Person of indefinable gender.

I was going to go see the movie Avenue Montaigne tonight, but now I'll be seeing Georgia Rule instead. At first I was skeptical, but after reading a description of it I think I'll appreciate it more. Sounds like it will challenge and awaken me. It sounds like real life, struggle and change. Good stuff. The descriptions of the french one were unflattering, a superficial tribute/love affair with france. But I was attracted to the plot and the lighter reviews made it sound charming and enjoyable. But I have my doubts about French movies, they specialize in odd, particularly dark humor that makes me a little nauseous at times. As well as very twisted story lines that don't seem to love their characters. I like a writer to care about the people they create, some of them at any rate. I wish I spoke another language. I don't know if I've got the discipline to stick out learning one.

I'm thinking about taking a life drawing class... At least I was. Maybe the desire has passed already? Maybe it's something else I'm looking for? I don't know, I don't know...

That first evening went so nicely. I wish it had stayed like that. Schonen Abend, yes.

No Fun

Did I mention in my last blog that I'm done with the library? Probably not. Somewhere between realizing I don't like some of their policies and part of my job description at circ and not getting the job-share. Perri towards the end was almost the only reason I wanted to get it... She was so excited about me possibly being at WCO. It was becoming obvious to me how I felt before the interview because of my last review and the frequent emails reiterating policy about stuff that deep in my heart I felt was bullshit. It's beginning to resemble retail a little too much. It was easy becoming a PTH because I was in line with everything they stated was policy then, I don't suppose things have changed? I'm just slipping back in to me. I get kind of sucked up in the whirlwind in the beginning and embrace personal transformation as being in the making through a job. It wares off and I find my old self hiding under the bullshit. No, I don't want to hand that blasted white receipt to every blasted person that pays a fine, especially because I know they don't want it, they almost never want any of their receipts. The worst part is I just did one of the things I don't like being expected to do and it happened naturally. In my review my manager wanted me to implement follow up questions, which I feel like a total prat doing for one reason. "Did you find everything you were looking for today?" No, "well, if you go back up to information they can help you locate the materials you're interested in." Can anyone do that without feeling like a prat? I haven't been able to construct a question I feel comfortable asking like it isn't a set up. If the policy had room for doing things naturally I'd be fricking okay with it. But it's a policy and we're supposed to become little mindless robots that obey the fucking system. I wonder if I can get in trouble for typing obscenities at work? I don't belong here.

Well, none of it matters because I'm done with it. Now I go find a job somewhere else and move on... Until the policies there curdle my skin and I want to leave... Fucking systems. I don't think I've ever sounded this disgruntled on my blog before. I'm not going to wait til I get fired this time. I don't need another bloody kick in the butt, the last one hurt too much. I remember I used to think breakups and relationships that soured were the only thing that could make me feel wretched about myself. Getting fired was even worse.

Either to make sense of this day or make it worse I just got my period, which I wasn't expecting and therefore wasn't prepared for... I'm going to blame everything I'm feeling on that. Maybe that's an escape?

I am so sore. I spent the bulk of my day yesterday in the photolab and I forgot about what a work out it is. I haven't been in since January. That's a bad thing the do when I've paid for the privilege of using a lab... I was kind of worried about handling books today. Last night when I was driving home I couldn't understand why my arms were shaking, I didn't realize why til this morning. Because I was lifting heavy vats of chemicals above my head for extended periods of time and I don't usually do that. I made a new playlist for my photolab time and I wasn't crazy about it. I thought it would do the trick, it was rockout music, all bands I liked, but it didn't work for me. I had an old rock out list that I _loved_ but when John purged his Ipod and I didn't know it I replaced my music library with his and lost most of the playlists I'd created because the music he deleted was mine. :( I miss that playlist, and I can't recreate it... But I plan to make one that is _all_ my top rated songs and that should be like euphoria I'm guessing.

It's a slow day and I have a feeling I could blog the whole time, but something bothers me about the prospect of making one endless post... So I think I'm going to check out face book... Maybe start one. Why? Because my friends have and I think it gets more attention. I'd like to see what the fuss is about.

I kind of got stood up on Thursday. Forgotten is more accurate, but at anyrate it's depressing. He apologized profusely... Making it up tomorrow... I'm feeling morose. We'll see.

Downer

So I am royally bummed today. Things didn't start out all that well. I guess I've been "stalked" for about the last five months. Seems too strong. The guy is truly crazy and his mind does not submit to logic. How do you address and alleviate such a problem? I left a message on his phone today requesting that he cease calling me and not come by my house. He promptly came by my house, in his pajamas, to verify if the message was from me (twice). A part of me wants to appreciate how comical it all is except that he also called at two (I didn't answer) and I know it's going to keep happening. Gonna block both his numbers. But will it do the trick?

I also have the song "kiss the girl" from little mermaid in my head... no idea why?

Does anyone know how little this holiday weekend effects me? (people keep wishing me a nice holiday weekend. oh, yes, yes, nice.) I work all day saturday and the rest of the days are like any other. Not to disrespect memorial day. The past two years, though, I've been in D.C. on memorial day and gotten to see all the Vietnam Vets on motorcycles come in in mass numbers for some special event I can't remember the name of. Pretty cool thing to witness. Seems like miles and miles of gritty people on harleys.

I don't know. Maybe I should just stop... I'm going to see Pirates of the Caribbean, I think this qualifies as the first time I've ever gone to a movie on its opening night. I think this is an insane thing to do. I am very afraid of the potential parking condition and then being able to get a decent seat. None of these thoughts were obvious to me when I agreed to go see this movie tonight. I hadn't reflected on the fact that it was the opening night. That's okay, maybe it's an adventure? Sure, I just need to look at it that way...

I wish I could pick myself up. I feel so morose. My brother went back to NYC today, his visit was very nice. He came down as a surprise for my fathers b-day. We had a "lovely" dinner at Ramshead. I've been moody for a couple weeks, I need to get over this. I did like my beer, C-126. What the hell kind of a name is that for beer? Sounds like a jet. (There is a twittering bulb above me that is steadily getting worse. Bordering on epileptic.) I wonder who replaces them and how often?

So I had one pleasant experience today. I spent some time at the little man made ponds behind Waugh Chapel watching the geese and ducks. There was some rather diverse wildlife as well, a redwing blackbird, a blue heron (or what ever bird that looks like it). The little blackbird was trying to chase away the heron. I guess he some him as a potential predator? The geese had one baby with them, a big ball of down. Cute, clumbsy and awkward. I did some sketches, animals move too much, I hate drawing mostly from memory, doesn't feel real... I also saw the pier one staff unloading a truck which really brought me back. To those far away days when I would get up to unload a truck at six in the morning once every bloody week.

I did some painting today, in front of little bear, sort of to sooth myself (both things that is, paint and cartoons). Like Saul listening to David play the harp and his soul with in him calming down. That image, more than any other from the bible, really stays with me. How very intense, a man whose soul finds no rest except when David plays the harp. (or what ever biblical equivalent). Very little painting, just a few outlines. I literally had less than half an hour before I had to leave for work, but dammit, I was going to paint. It's sort of weird to watch the little button at the base of the new post screen change from save now, to saved all on its own. There is a permanent message letting me know they do this automatically now. Which is very helpful, my last blog was done on a day when we lost internet service and I thought I'd lose my post.

I'm kind of bummed about 1001 journals, sort of paying less attention to it now. I contacted the next person on the list and they haven't gotten back to me. I might skip them, but I wonder if the others will be responsive? Order is of no importance. I do things my own way, after all I'm the moderator.

I have mild allergies, I've been sneezing a great deal and my eyes periodically hurt. I think when my cats go out they pick up a lot of pollen, because since spring has begun being near them makes my eyes hurt. That's it, I'm done for today.

Okay, I'm ready. I mean, for goodness sake I want to talk about it. I went out for coffee last night with a guy I met at a bar on Sunday night when me and Sarah went out for a nice chat at Galway bay. It was a lovely evening. We sat down by the water and talked. Ended up back at Galway. I love that bar, just a quiet little place off the beaten path. He's beautiful, I remember his face better now than I did after Sunday, I only saw him in the dark then. Red hair, blue eyes, freckles. I love freckles. I couldn't tell the color of his eyes on Sunday. It's been a great pick-me-up. I haven't gotten as much attention from guys in MD has I felt I should. I was starting to feel insignificant or something. What's wrong with Maryland boys? (still got three hours left on my shift. Arg... They were right about the early lunch making the rest of the day drag by.)

I've had sooo many nice patrons today. It's been a joy! I wonder if it's more me? Because I'm so peppy today? So I have a pattern at work. The first half of my shift I am very productive, attentive and alert. But after lunch I sort of go sedate, I guess its a food coma. I zone out a bit more, forget about the general labor of the job and drift off with my thoughts. This is the time that I wish I could lie on a sunny bank, like an alligator and nap. Wake up Sarah! I almost want to fabricate work for myself to refocus.

He's been told he looks like Vincent Van Gogh. Too pretty. I think I'm going to lose everything I wrote. Apparently the internet is down. :( But I want to keep writing.

I had the cutest little girl check out earlier. She could just see over the counter and she was so sincere and polite. Cute as a button, belongs on a lapelle. (someone in Savannah once said that about Lillian, always loved that line.) So cute!

I have had an itch in my throat all day. Not a good sign. I'm afraid I might get sick. My right eye has been twitching too, I hate that. When I was at Pier 1 that would happen from the dust if I worked there too many days in a row. A week of twitching.

I have been subsisting off of the wierdest food today. A lot of rice and couscous. And a bit of fruit leather...

Work babble

When I'm at work I'm constantly trying to reshape my habits into more efficient ones.
I challenge myself in ways that are perhaps inconsequential. It makes me feel like a grownup, but I don't imagine anyone around me sees a reflection in my work that has changed... I periodically discover that I'm going through more processes than I need to (I want to tell the most recent one even though it might not make sense. We have all these function keys for doing different services, like checking someone out. I hit F1 and I get a box that says display user, that is how I scan someone's card. Once their account is up there are about three different options at the bottom of the screen. I just started paying attention to the first one, which is "display another user", which means I can hit that button to start checking someone else out. Til today I've been closing out each account and hitting F1 again.) But old habits die hard. Half the time I remember the other half I forget.

Another expediating process is using the function keys instead of the mouse to select, at any rate I think it's better for my wrists. But who doesn't know that. I just mean it's another transition I've been making, mouse is brainless- therefore I gravitate towards doing it that way, the function keys (actually I don't mean the function keys, It's shift and just a number.)

It's going to pour! Probably right as I leave... Speaking of inevitable things the neighbors rottweiler used to go nuts on me from his chain link fence when I would dump my compost in the bin in back. I started avoiding going out there because the dog was so aggressive and it really angered me that the owner didn't do anything about it. (I used to fantasize about winging something at the dog. My mom didn't think that was funny. Just a pipe dream.) But recently that all stopped, every time I went out I had complete peace. I used to try to sneak out there unheard which is impossible because of the pine needle and crunchy holly leaf base I had to walk over. So I told my mom about being able to go out there in peace now, just before bringing something out- I didn't want to be superstitious about it, but the bloody dog _did_ show up. He was kind of sedate compared to the past and his owner called him away from the fence. Shocker.

I've been lying on the sidewalk with the little red spiders. I did draw for a while, but I got sick of doing that too. After awhile in one branch I run out of things to draw. And people move too much. I've got three minutes left!

something something something

I haven't been sleeping well or eating well, been off my feed. Got a long shift today so that probably means a long string of blogs. I had my interview yesterday, went pretty well. I've gotten used to sitting in front of five people being asked a bunch of questions. Now I just try to make eye contact with everyone. Still not so good at that, I seem to intuitively pick three to look at. I wonder if I'm actually dismissing the others subconsciously? I liked the Edgewater lady, she was smily and had poofy shoulder length hair. I realized yesterday that all the shifts I accepted this week are morning ones. Not my forte.

I don't really want to blog about what's been on my mind lately. Makes this a bit challenging. Maybe in a few weeks? Once it isn't there anymore. Not true, probably will be. Well I've taken greater interest in my hygiene lately, which is misleading, I really just mean I've been washing my face more regularly. Shaving more too. (why the hell do I write stuff like this on my blog?!)

I want to learn more about what vitamins and nutrients do in the body. I'd like to have a better understanding. At some point I plan on doing a web search, but I don't feel like it now. Screw this, I'm drawing.

Doodle thoughts

To blog or not to blog... there's the rub. I usually try to avoid saying things like that, but it's almost sincere. I blog because I've run out of other things to do at work and there is an itch in me.

So I've been asked to do another art project for the library, but it's on hold til someone out there approves me doing it. There was some hubbub about the last one I did and apparently some people got in trouble. It begins to sound like I did something risque! But apparently a PTH can't help with art projects on their free time or at work. Which means never. I like helping, I hope they work it out. I like being able to apply my art to something. The next project is state landmarks, or symbols that people associate with different states (like a cowboy hat for texas and a crab for MD.)

There is a rather large red man sunning himself on a bench in front of our branch. I wish I could sketch on my blog. I'd doodle on here the way I did on school notes. It could be my own online sketch book. Man, that would really be cool...

It's been a slow day, rather dull. And I'm anxious about my impending interview. I hate feeling like I'm on display and my responses are being rated silently. eek. I've been totally useless at home almost since we got back from nyc. I hate that, my room is a disaster, I've got at least four different art projects in limbo and I could always be going through the new music on my ipod. (I think this is the most aware I've been while blogging about the fact that other people read this. Partly because I'm being utterly boring and recording random facts.)

Well, I finally wore my pretty dress. It feels slightly wasted so far, wearing it for 4 hours at a branch where very few people notice it and I don't feel particularly glamorous.

There is this hunky elevator man who comes in and apparently the girls in the branch go a little crazy over him. Kind of funny, I had a female patron come up to me I think just to talk about him, she was practically salivating, she was funny. He carries himself like he knows it. Oy. To get such a rise out of women. The library is mostly staffed by women. Bit of a role reversal.
I'm off.

Fountains of Wayne

At least I think that is the band in my head. So my work day has been themed fountains of wayne, bouncy, poppy, a little rough (the good kind. what ever that means) It makes me want to dance, it's the song on one of those ipod commercials where the shadow is dancing. (I think that's the one). It is from a commercial at any rate. Unfortunately I have very limited coordination and I want to move in ways I can't, so it comes out kind of staccato. My brain is sending messages my body can't do. bugger. Sometimes I wish I could sing at work. That's all.

Too much free time at work

Ooh, I just realized I forgot to spell check that last blog, must go back and edit... Lets subtitle this "Reflections on being a consumer".

Even at someplace like a library where no money changes hands for products (fines are something totally different) we are consumers, taking advantage of a free, if temporary product and we conduct ourselves like consumers. But my reflections are about how I find this disturbing. We spend a good deal of our time in consumer mode (and when we aren't we are being observers sitting in front of something a movie screen, a tv, a stage, a game, a preacher, a speaker...). It disturbs me because I think it is a part of our identity, we have an individual identity as a consumer. We have so many expectations (and I totally include myself in this). I suppose we've been trained... We expect to be served right away, that any employee is there for our benefit and they should intrinsically put what ever they are doing aside and assist us. (again that's me too when I'm shopping.) We should be able to find what we want, it should be available in virtue of the fact that we want it... I don't know, most of my thoughts aren't very well considered, sort of bloviating.

Something that is more processed in my mind is the identity bit. I definitely don't think it is good that being a consumer is part of our identity. I wonder if carrying any expectations (aside from being respected as a human being) is right? I hope I didn't just open a pandora's box, I stumble over those fucking things all the time. Which reminds me...

This is a bummer of a transition, almost irreverent (of the subject I'm about to speak about). Last night I hit a cat on Robinson Rd, I have never (to my knowledge) hit an animal before. There is an odor of the inevitable that hangs around anything like that, someday it's doomed to happen... (when I was a kid it was barfing.) It was dark and the little cat ran right in front of my car, even hitting my breaks I couldn't stop in time. But much to my relief I didn't _run_ over the cat, it was almost miraculous, it didn't break stride and tore at the same pace into the neighborhood. I went in search of her to see if she was really okay but couldn't find her. As the whole event unfolded and I made snap decisions and came to snap conclusions, I believed, this is it, I just killed a cat, I just made roadkill. And you must understand that last sentence is said in heartbreak. I don't like seeing any animals dead on the road, especially pets. Because then on top of a horrid death there is an owner or a family that is possibly devastated by their loss. ( I don't understand how cat owners are comfortable taking that risk? An out door cat is at high risk of dying on the road.) I am so grateful that the cat lived, and as far as I can tell wasn't injured! What a thud, and then to see it still running, I thought I was going to hear it go under my tires. (fuck, I'm going to make myself cry at work...)

The other curious thing about the experience was the incredibly layered emotions that began to emerge the rest of the evening as a result. (for those of you who don't know I'm pretty crazy. And I don't think I want to share just how disturbed my psyche is by going into those layers of emotions... needless to say I was troubled and my mind generally likes to make matters worse.) I think I'm done with the crazy part, which is really amazing, I used to live there, now it's a few hours or a day and then I become rational and begin thinking about things in a healthy way. This I like.

I had an experience last summer mowing that was similar... No, I don't want to bring it up. I'll probably cry and why do that to myself?

So, everybody, I want you all to know how much I want to dress up! I've got four new dresses and I haven't been able to wear any of them out. I don't want to spend a lot of money, just go out and feel pretty. I've not been a dress girl for a long time. (Sarah, I even bought strapless dresses, two. Did I tell you in the past how dead set I was against them? I've been -what's the word when you're mind has been turned around? I love those halter top dresses!) Of course the weather has to be nice enough in the evening for me to go through with it. They are definitely spring dresses, er summer.

(I'm doing good today, I'm not irate about interruptions)

innocuous. I just want to include that word because it is very cool and it actually came up in one of my dreams the other night, in an email.

A Question!

I've never been inspired to pose a question to my readers before, but I have recently had one surface. Unfortunately it is controversial (the worst kind of questions...) and I realize there is almost always something rhetorical in questions I put on my blog. I'm not actually looking for answers, but rather feelings or ponderings. I was thinking about homosexual males and their sexual identity, mainly when a guy allows himself to be the "bitch". I'm using that expression because that is what I've been told, hopefully I don't need to explain it, eek. My curiosity is do those guys have a lot of deep self hate because of what they have subjected their bodies to? I've heard about the irreversible side-effects to the body. It makes me think of what woman have subjected their bodies to in sex, the inevitable emotional connection with our bodies, especially our sexual identity. Nothing in this world (in terms of man and emotions) seems more delicate than our sexual identity. (how many times did I use those stupid words in this one paragraph? only three.)

A question, a bad one. sorry.

Stupid Expectations

Did anyone catch my fantasy for my week in NYC? It was nothing like. Yes, there was street noise and we did end up in central park; but it wasn't that peaceful day of 63 degrees with slow puffy white clouds, it was depressing, a little too cold in the shade, no gardens not so much of the chattering birds... a sad little jaunt through the bottom corner and past the zoo, which Ami informed us is _depressing_. It looked pretty from the outside, lots of trees and old mossy bricks, it looked old and attractively overgrown, but the thing had to be utterly tiny.

So my back is killing me. I don't know why. But the pth I'm working with today is very knowledgeable (I'm highly impressed) she told me skinny people have more problems with back pain because the skin is tight around the muscles and bones and the bones pinch the muscles. I also now know that it is almost always better to take advil (and other ibuprofens) than to take tylenol- which is only good for headaches and aspirin is better for general pain as long as you don't have stomach problems and you're not a child (that last bit I think I made up?)

There is a volunteer at one of the branches who has some sort of mental disability or learning disability and he talks with an accent like shawn connery as james bond, when I first met him I thought he was being goofy and I almost laughed, it sounds like a put on, but it's never off. He is also incredibly nice. Fascinating. I think he also gets fixated on the last thing he says, like an ocd, and repeats it under his breath til the next sentence. People are strange and amazing. (I think the same way about myself. I could be a case study.)

I plan on spending my evening painting tonight, just the thought of it makes me feel at peace. I need to paint, it's been too long since I worked on a project for myself. (A little girl just checked out Homers Odyssey, by little I mean she looks about 12, maybe that old.) Okay, I've only got three hours left, I hope I can make it...

I had the nastiest patron I've ever had early this morning. He had a return and used some word for it that threw me off and I got confused and he got nasty, "there is nothing to misunderstand", jerk.

I can't tell you how much I want to be home with my paints! And I want to work until I finish this project... But it's huge and I know that isn't possible, I've been working on it for more than six months (on an off of course) but it has so many different parts and I'm only on the facade at the moment. paint, paint, paint, paint, paint....