No Fun

Did I mention in my last blog that I'm done with the library? Probably not. Somewhere between realizing I don't like some of their policies and part of my job description at circ and not getting the job-share. Perri towards the end was almost the only reason I wanted to get it... She was so excited about me possibly being at WCO. It was becoming obvious to me how I felt before the interview because of my last review and the frequent emails reiterating policy about stuff that deep in my heart I felt was bullshit. It's beginning to resemble retail a little too much. It was easy becoming a PTH because I was in line with everything they stated was policy then, I don't suppose things have changed? I'm just slipping back in to me. I get kind of sucked up in the whirlwind in the beginning and embrace personal transformation as being in the making through a job. It wares off and I find my old self hiding under the bullshit. No, I don't want to hand that blasted white receipt to every blasted person that pays a fine, especially because I know they don't want it, they almost never want any of their receipts. The worst part is I just did one of the things I don't like being expected to do and it happened naturally. In my review my manager wanted me to implement follow up questions, which I feel like a total prat doing for one reason. "Did you find everything you were looking for today?" No, "well, if you go back up to information they can help you locate the materials you're interested in." Can anyone do that without feeling like a prat? I haven't been able to construct a question I feel comfortable asking like it isn't a set up. If the policy had room for doing things naturally I'd be fricking okay with it. But it's a policy and we're supposed to become little mindless robots that obey the fucking system. I wonder if I can get in trouble for typing obscenities at work? I don't belong here.

Well, none of it matters because I'm done with it. Now I go find a job somewhere else and move on... Until the policies there curdle my skin and I want to leave... Fucking systems. I don't think I've ever sounded this disgruntled on my blog before. I'm not going to wait til I get fired this time. I don't need another bloody kick in the butt, the last one hurt too much. I remember I used to think breakups and relationships that soured were the only thing that could make me feel wretched about myself. Getting fired was even worse.

Either to make sense of this day or make it worse I just got my period, which I wasn't expecting and therefore wasn't prepared for... I'm going to blame everything I'm feeling on that. Maybe that's an escape?

I am so sore. I spent the bulk of my day yesterday in the photolab and I forgot about what a work out it is. I haven't been in since January. That's a bad thing the do when I've paid for the privilege of using a lab... I was kind of worried about handling books today. Last night when I was driving home I couldn't understand why my arms were shaking, I didn't realize why til this morning. Because I was lifting heavy vats of chemicals above my head for extended periods of time and I don't usually do that. I made a new playlist for my photolab time and I wasn't crazy about it. I thought it would do the trick, it was rockout music, all bands I liked, but it didn't work for me. I had an old rock out list that I _loved_ but when John purged his Ipod and I didn't know it I replaced my music library with his and lost most of the playlists I'd created because the music he deleted was mine. :( I miss that playlist, and I can't recreate it... But I plan to make one that is _all_ my top rated songs and that should be like euphoria I'm guessing.

It's a slow day and I have a feeling I could blog the whole time, but something bothers me about the prospect of making one endless post... So I think I'm going to check out face book... Maybe start one. Why? Because my friends have and I think it gets more attention. I'd like to see what the fuss is about.

I kind of got stood up on Thursday. Forgotten is more accurate, but at anyrate it's depressing. He apologized profusely... Making it up tomorrow... I'm feeling morose. We'll see.