A lot on my mind

I'm happy to be home. But feeling a bit bummed today. There was this amazing little outdoor table with two chairs at goodwill last week for 40 bucks. I wanted to get it today but it's gone. I'm not surprised, just disappointed. I've got a lot on my mind...

I'm not working anymore, it's weird to realize that's official. It didn't set in til sunday. Which also means blogging will be less predictable, I'm not sure... how much will I still blog? I had an urge right now. I really enjoyed myself yesterday, got a lot done, felt positively productive... But I kind of feel like I crashed today. Even waking up. Not fully sure why. I got mad at my dad last night. Maybe that has something to do with it?

Anyway, I think I figured something out. Something that plagued me when I was a kid. Fear was such a deciding factor in so many of my decisions, that's not the realization, what I did was not defend myself. I think for a long time defending myself meant fighting or yelling or very confrontational things but it's starting to shape out into a much bigger world to me now. I didn't look out for myself, I do now. Some of it I thought was still hiding, but it's not, it's actually wise. Being careful about what I say and when and knowing why. It's about protecting myself. There is this fact that has become very clear to me, there is an immense cost that follows and builds and hurts when we don't protect ourselves. That was what I didn't realize back then. I'm still working it all out, facing what I can, fixing what I can. It's slow, sometimes really sad and sometimes it really hurts a lot. I just feel a sense of loss today...

I had a dream about the statue of liberty. It was a bit troubling. I was looking out towards the shore and she was there at the tip of the water looking out over the ocean, her torch slumped in her high arm. Like she was not the vision of strength and confidence we had all seen in the past. There was an old woman against her back standing on a crate and arching to see... I can't remember what, arching to see past the statue? Like they were both watching something out there, something coming in? The sun was right about the statues head, the sky was overcast so it was a bright blurred white orb and I thought, what a fabulous coincidence. I took out my camera to photograph it and when I advanced the film I realized it didn't seem like the numbers were moving forward much. It stayed around 4ish. I knew I had already taken more pictures than that and a fear arose that I hadn't adequately loaded the film so it wasn't actually advancing. At first I tried to dismiss it, and kept shooting, but it stayed in the same spot and I realized all those pictures, never taken, didn't register. That was disappointing because I had taken some really nice shots, and now I realized they didn't exist. The worst of it was when I started to load the film properly somehow it ended up on the outside of the camera and it struck me all my pictures would turn out black. I felt like I was losing most of the roll with all this trouble. Reloading it was awkward and difficult.

I think I know part of why I'm sad. It's something that hasn't had words before. As much as I love being home, as wonderful as the freedom is I don't feel complete like this. I look around, register all my options- and nothing... It's time.