First Day

I was so nervous all weekend in anticipation of this day. I had some rather dark premonitions that grew out of my concern that I didn't have enough information to truly perform the job. It's going well. Harmless. People are mostly timid when they come to the desk and speak below a whisper so I can't hear but a couple words and always have to ask them to repeat. I lean in close to increase my chances of understanding them. A lot of what I do is just handy redirection down the line, to Anna beside me for Student Housing issues (today it's mostly been strudents applying for RA positions) or more commonly down to D who does all International Student Services. No angry or fuming students so far. Anna and D are very helpful. I feel more equipped and less intimidated. Unfortunatley the hours go by very slowly. I don't have a whole lot to do which means I'm mostly paid to be here for the moments when I am. That does concern me a little. I'd like to work out ways to be personally more productive in all this down time. How can I work for myself?

I still don't have a name or password to use the computer legitimately (and I just realized there is no spell check functioning on this computer). Anna got me on, god bless her I had nothing to do. I am the least used/sought after receptionist here.

I had a series of intense and disturbing dreams this weekend. I anticipate last night will be the end. Most of my dreams last night involved my mother by my side, but one started out with me and my dad (who eventually morphed into my mom). We were in a car together and I feel we were around Ft. Meade (or on it) and more or less driving through fields rather than on roads. We both spotted a large wild cat off to the side of us, which was joined by another and so on until there were about six grand fuzzy snow leapards with their backs to us. I told him we should call 911, they must have escaped a zoo and dad said in a moment and pursued them. Soon they were amongst a small herd of various animals, wolves, giraffes, other cats... I kept repeating the need to call 911 and he kept putting it off. This was when dad became mom and we were walking behind the animals and picking up our pace and passed them and moved off to the left. I felt it had been foolish to pass them, that it would draw attention to us and when I turned to look back we were being followed. I ran and some how ended up on top of John's pool table out in the open of a subburb. Surrounded by wild predators. I picked up a pool stick (or something of that nature I found on the table) and began swinging it as fiercely as I could at the animals trying to reach me. I felt there were sensitive points on them that I could target, the back and legs and I gave hard blows there and to the head. The animal grimaced but was not down. It swung it's heavy paw at me and got it's claws in my hand and I grabbed the paw. I didn't want the paw to pull away and tear open my skin. I believed that would make me more vulnerable. My mom stood beside the table and I called to her for assistance repeatedly believing she could handle or resolve any situation. But she only stood by and watched. I couldn't figure out what to do and I think above all I was mad at my father for never calling an emergency number.

I think the mom part of me wanted to see me work out my problems. And dad? I guess I'm seeing him as the cause of the predicament. The dad part of me got me in a mess.

I keep dreaming about John's pool table. What is that about? It's this big thing in the middle of the apartment, always there. A sophisticated road block. Something I have to navigate everyday to do pretty much anything. It sits predominantely in front of my room. It's gotten into my dreams! That's wild.

I'm not in a creative mindset at all. This environment, my circumstances, stand in the way. It's frustrating.