Belief is our most precious personal possesion. With it comes our trust, faith and obedience. And through our beliefs we can be controlled and directed, owned. The source of power behind religion is the demand that we believe. Without it there is no authority, no power.
It strikes me in this moment that a delicate balance must be achieved, a seperation from institutions- individuality through careful excersize of our reason, and simultaneously being a conscientious social being. To still belong to humanity, to allow- in so far as it's appropriate- for others to have certain claims on us.
Even when I was quite young I was troubled by the implications of any belief, the demands that that placed on me as an individual, and my own hesitance to believe.
This morning I was thinking about belief again, it was a few days ago I wrote this and forgot about it. Despite my inability to believe in things like change, they still happenned. I think because something else filled it's place- hope and desire. I wanted what I found it impossible to believe. I feel safe in hope and in desire. They reflect what is real to me and create no obligation or faith. It is easy enough to believe lies, or simply to believe what is not real. I fear that. Instead I hope, I desire. Lately many things I have hoped for and worked towards, with the expectation that if they happened it would be far off, have come to me now. So my hope grows and some of it begins to transform into belief. It stems from a desire to enrigh my life with all the most valuable experiences. Ranging from what I didn't think possible, to beautiful and vulnerable things that I have been afraid of. And I believe. And it is real, not forced, earned.
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