That's it, no more June posts. Why is that making me sad? Maybe I'm not ready for June to be over... Not ready for life to keep moving on.
There was a beautiful moth clinging to the brick ledge where we sit outside for break. She blended in so well I didn't notice her at first. Her wings looked crinkled just on the edges like she was waiting for them to fully straighten and harden before flying. Her feelers were huge, unreal. What purpose does their size serve? They look like fans. She looked soft and petable. I wanted to keep her, but I can't. She's alive. It'd be nice if I had my camera and close-up filters, that would be a lovely photograph...
I'm anxious about this week. I wish there weren't a fourth of July. John's birthday is this week, don't know what to do about that. I'm going to upstate NY next weekend with Sarah. Road trip.
I had a cool dream about my moms large brown bear. It came to life and started hopping around on all fours, giddy. I wanted to go out to a green dandelion field and pick a pile of yellow flowers for him.
It's such a beautiful day out. Perfect weather. A soft cool breeze... it's isn't hot.
There's something I want to figure out, but I feel like I'm failing it today... I want to infuse every event, every moment with the potential to be fulfilling. I come to things with so many rules, only this combination or these things can fulfill me... Plus I have a tendency to look at the condition of the world, other people in it, my environment and experience despair at their condition or appearance. That really undercuts happiness. The appearance of any form of poverty, mainly in a persons expression, depresses my spirits. There's a lot more to it than I'm expressing... I guess I'm doing some combination of projecting and being codependant. What I see is other people in despair, leading unhappy lives and it makes me feel that way. I might not even be right. I also decided when I was very young that the greatest thing in this world was to be with a boy. That his company was superior to any other thing in this world. God I cursed myself with that one... I want to be done with it, I'm working on it, but the pull is so strong. It's funny, for someone with that mind set I haven't been with many boys. I have huge dry spells between relationships. I'm fine until someone shows up, then all that stuff comes to life.
Who am I? Who am I meant to be? What am I supposed to do with my life? Do I have a defined path or does it come into existence as I walk and make choices?
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
4 comments:
Indeed, those are some profound thoughts. I am of a similar thoughtset now here in Charlotte.
I'm wondering which thoughts you are responding to? Identity? Purpose? The broken ones about relationships? Do tell. :)
Spcifically, the last paragraph: being that I am in a new place, around people and items and even a pace of life that is not familiar to me, it does bring to head a lot of the idenitiy issues that I have either not dealt with, or need to further hone. I can probably say that I have done a lot more thinking abot who I am and what the heck I am doing here in the past week than I have in a long time. Some of it has been good reflections -- knowing that I am too introspective, testing my resolve to trust God, etc. -- but other parts have been not so -- confidence in some friendships -- and so I sit and wonder who I am in relation to all of this happening.
Not exactly yello dandelions --they make me sneeze -- but definitely plants that I take notice of in my life.
I really appreciate you sharing with me. This is exactly what I like in friendships. I've enjoyed your comments and enjoyed what little time I got to spend with you when you were here. I also look forward to future comments. :) I hope for both of us that we work through these questions and find fulfillment in this life.
Post a Comment