I don't know... My emotions are a constant source of curiosity to me. I guess I really don't understand them a fair amount of the time. To be such a mystery to myself is perhaps a problem. I wish I could pull my thoughts together. I spent the weekend in Rochester... I probably mentioned that in an earlier blog, I do forget. For a wedding. It was an interesting experience for me because my emotions were running higher than I expected. I was happy, but I'd been thinking about a lot of things that have been on my heart for a long time. One for eleven years... It surprised me. Everything about it, it's being there, it's emotional importance to me, how I can go so long with something just under the surface and not realize how it effects me... This is my pattern. I carry these things just below the surface, I'm aware of them but it's my perception that is the problem... I underestimate or fail to recognize these feelings that I carry are important and are living in a cage until I express them.
There is something I've been trying to learn these last few days, how to appreciate good things no matter how brief they are. It's hard because I've always wanted good experiences to last forever, at least as long as I do. So much of what we experience is temporal, brief... It seems to be a core in our existence and I have not really come to terms with that (as I know most people don't, the death thing and all.) It's been hard for me to allow these brief things to be truly valuable, one of my prerequisites was to last... I guess I didn't believe brief moments were legitimate... Something that nags the back of my mind periodically is how pointless dessert is, in the sense of being so temporal. I'm enjoying it as long as I am eating it, but then it is over and the pleasure is done and I've put something unhealthy in my body. I used to wonder if there was a way to taste dessert without eating it. Why do we eat things like that when It's really about tasting it? Sort of weird. (It's totally retarded that our words desert and dessert are so close and mean something so different...) And I never remember which one is which... Is my attitude about temporal pleasure wrong? Is there something good about eating for taste alone? In my heart am I a bit of a puritan? Eek...
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3 comments:
I just have a random desire to comment on my own blog. Mainly because I don't feel like going into it to post. I just have a few minutes left and I don't feel like waiting for my shift to end. I think I want to reduce the amount of time I blog about work, in the sense of bitching about it or writing about weird people or what ever... I don't want to make a rule out of it. I think I've just gone a bit over board in the past and I think I want my blog to be a place where I am reflective. I like that better. Well I can deal with waiting out two minutes, that's all that is left.
well, sarah. i do have a habit of appreciating the little things, but too much so.. i live for the little things, i don't think about the next day or any of that.. which is a horrible idea. it leaves me in a rut, obsessively searching for microwave pleasure.
and dessert is always worth it. even for just the moment.
Hmmm...microwave pleasure. Yeah, I guess it is bad to forget about the future completely. But I could do with a taste of that as a vacation...
I think you're right about dessert. It's just that I have moments where it all seems maddeningly pointless. I hate that.
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