Facing a plethora of fears

So I've been thinking about how important my peer group is to me... The twenty somethings (and thirty...) And it crossed my mind to wonder if when I'm forty will I look at twenty somethings and roll my eyes at their obsession with their own social drama like I do now when I look at middle schoolers and highschoolers? My world would live or die according to their petty actions or trite opinions, their beliefs ordered my steps and ruled my life. (This is sort of a paraphrase of something utterly beautiful and poignant that George Elliott said in Daniel Deronda.) Some feather headed lady or gentleman that we fail to take as legal tender for a human being may be making someone else's life no better than a promenade through a pantheon of ugly idols. Still that is a bit of a paraphrase, but quite close. Some how the trite opinions and petty actions fits in there too.

There is a woman I met once sailing, Paige, that I keep remembering when I look at other women that resemble her. It evokes a strange feeling in my gut and I've been wondering what is going on in me. It's both a sadness and an affinity... I've been speculating this morning if she represents to me "the woman who went too far". Her anger ended her friendship with Alex. Or rather he cut her off... I don't know the details. My impression of her is curious to me. She's in her thirties, I'm sure. She has a raspy smokers voice, dark tan leathery skin and a certain air, cool (in the sense of a breeze) low key... Maybe she was sad that day? I don't know.

I do think Alex is shaping into something else in my mind. Something negative and distant... A tall and silent wall, standing at a ninety degree angle. I've never stood up at 90 degrees... But I'm becoming very aware of the role of my own perception. That people evoke feelings and impressions in me based on my own filters. Much the way they are in my dreams, they are all a series of metaphors that I use to figure myself out... My god, what a weird realization, every single person I interact with is a tool to discovering and knowing myself... Milan Kundera talks about how dreams are an act of our imagination, that they not merely tell us about ourselves -communicate to us, but they are also beautiful and that is what makes them stay with us- that imaginative dreaming is an intense need in man. It's gratifying to read something that expresses a deep and unarticulated feeling. I think I used to feel wrong for seeing my dreams as almost an art and taking pleasure in their beauty, it strikes me as odd that I would feel that way thinking about it now.

I'm about to do something that scares the shit out of me and my insides are eating themselves... It's funny the effect reading some of the old things from Jonathan has had on me... In one of his sticky notes he implored me and Lillian to do something that scares us. At the time I don't think I did... I wasn't in a place where I was willing to attempt facing my fears. But every time I turn around now I'm doing something that scares the shit out of me. Because I don't want to be ruled by my fears anymore. I've spent my life running away from everything that frightens me... and that is indeed a half life. It's good advice- do something that scares you. It's hard to start when the baggage is so big.

The other thing I've been contemplating about fear is that some things are legitimately terrifying... Not that that means I shouldn't face them... What I'm working on is being courageous enough to face the things that have consequences... The things that ultimately bring up other peoples fears when they aren't ready to face them and they lash out... Light and weight. I think I've always felt like a heavy person (at least most of my memories show me that... there was a time before...) To be light is to float above life, above pain, I guess it is similar to the spiritual concept of transcendence that so many elevate to the highest state a person can achieve... Weight, to be heavy, is an emotional opposite, to feel pain -to be connected with other human beings in suffering... I've always despised the concept of transcendence in spirituality and art, it actually angers me- mainly because in art its utterly pretentious bullshit that makes them feel superior to everyone else, the spiritual stuff is just escapist woohoo. I think there is a healthy balance that can be achieved. It's part of the concept I've been exploring of learning how to enjoy life with out the dependence on other people; but staying connected, not cutting self off from others. To completely separate from other people is a fear based action, to become a wall. But the opposite, (the concept of opposite is interesting because opposites usually host equal intensity and in that respect are the same, it's the neutral point that truly differs...) is to be crushed by life. I guess that is a sort of fear too, it is less easy to identify. Why is it fear based? Because it is a sort of opting out, to be so weighed down you cease to move. Both stop living, but in different ways.

Something else on my mind is I've been feeling like a child a lot lately. Naive, clueless, confused and small. Small for me truly epitomizes that childlike feeling. It generally involves the people around me seeming big. Not all of them, but enough. It also means my sense is that I am feeling things that I think other people aren't- usually I am feeling vulnerable and the people around me don't seem vulnerable. I realize that is just my perception, but that is the heart of feeling small.