I keep forgetting to post my blogs before I leave...

Looks like I goofed thursday when I wanted to post my blog. Surprised me to come on today and not see my most recent one.

Cool, there was a mother and daughter in who wanted to keep the yellow bands from the books because the girl likes to play library on her own.

I'm not getting enough sleep...or food for that matter. I hate eating in the early morning, I find it positively repulsive. Kind of ironic, after the comment that I don't dream about having a boyfriend, I had a boyfriend dream. It was about uncertainty, not being able to read what was happening. My dreams last night were a mess. Frick. I don't even want to sift through them.

I'm thinking about the compatibility of men and women sexually. On the surface we seem incompatible, but I can't believe that is true. It's the stimulus thing, I keep hearing how visually dependant men are... And women, we are more mind... What are we? What am I? How do they work together to balance each other? I believe it should be like a puzzle and the pieces have to be different to fit together. But I see our interests as often being opposed.

I watched the Matrix last night with Eric. It's funny how every time I see a movie I see different things about it, not that I didn't see them before necessarily, but they strike me now. It was the relationship between Neo and Trinity, mainly how she was the person that introduced him to the world he was searching for and I think because of that he felt safe with her. I am annoyed by how dull Neo's character is, even Trinity. They say very little, they barely emote, Neo always talks in a low husky whisper...what is that? I have a funny reaction to Cypher, I find him to be the easiest person to relate to, which worries me about myself... Not when he kills everyone. More for his sentiments about pleasure, because the truth about their world is it's a terrible void and the one the computers created is luxurious in comparison. Sometimes I think I'm devoid of proper feelings, but I know I'm not alone. Most people are no different. I like Morpheus, but because of the way in which I relate to Cypher it's hard to swallow what Trinity says as a retort "He set us free"... It is the truth, but I guess it pulls on some of my issues... I wish there had been more development of Morpheus' relationship with his crew, more development of their personalities. We didn't get to know some of them probably for the simple purpose of disposing of them easily without much attachment.

The graphic novel V for Vendetta just came through my hands. I hadn't really thought much about the fact that it started as a comic book. I started reading it on my lunch break and a very interesting difference popped out. Evey is sixteen years old and the story begins with her trying to sell herself for sex for the first time. There is no tv show host date, just her attempting to prostitute herself to the wrong guy. In the movie we have a different base for her character than appears in the book. I wonder why they changed it, made her out to have a cleaner start?

I feel like my life has been permanently disrupted. Like I'm a little snow globe that has had it's snow settled and undisturbed for years and it's suddenly been shook up and won't settle again. Someone, just by the sheer act of being himself has set off this domino reaction in me. My whole little set up is collapsing around me and the noise and disturbance give me little rest. I feel upset today for different reasons than usual. I'm upset about something in me that is just a persistent quiet nag on the borders of my awareness... It won't fully surface. I feel slightly dirty, but not even, I feel it impending, that's it...impending. I surfaced some really old music for my piano yesterday. Pretty intense stuff that I used to play, it's been a while. Talk about tormented, it felt kind of weird playing it, but exhilarating. Have I talked about the strange relationship I have with the piano? I can't remember. I use it to gage my progress in life, I guess it helps me tell how confident and patient I am. There seem to be so many character factors that come out in how I play. I used to feel so incompetent, clumsy, and undisciplined. I'm not sure I'm any more disciplined, I'm not even sure what that is. But I'm a lot more confident, I feel in control when I play and I'm not under this strange belief that I am clumsy and will forever be that way. I play so much better now.

There's a beautiful scene in Stranger than Fiction that made me want to cry. It's so simple. Her voice is describing this monotonous action that he does everyday, load files into boxes- the slow sound of a wave moving up the shore and receding. That is just what it sounds like, but it's because there is a reverence to his own movements. He gives it that quality. She describes it as building a whole sea of waves (something poetic like that...)