Meditations

My hearts gone out of this a bit. It feels like a desolate landscape where I write to silent readers. It's cold in here. Cold outside. A melancholy has settled over me. Yesterday was so alive, constant movement. I think I'm more inclined to work at smaller branches. WCO takes that out of me a bit. It feels so big, empty and slow.

Wow, the most interesting twins just walked in. Two intense red heads, one short-haired and sporty, the other long crazy curls and scruffy dark clothes. Their manner seemed lackadaisical, high and unconcerned, their words slurred, barely an effort to fully pronounce them. They both keep their faces up, eyes squinted like they're staring into an intense sun.

We also had a man walk in on his cellphone with his pants unzipped. ???

So there is this large, rather scary family with one of those descriptive names like Cobb who have a proclivity for producing progeny that have just come through like a whirlwind of dirty, precocious children who aren't intimidated by anything.

Time for a philosophical run... Thinking about art and it's meaning to me and my intent got this going. I wonder every now and then how much I really mean or believe what I say I do. I guess everything in my life is beginning to feel like such a choice that I lack a sense of ownership over it... I should probably try to clarify my thinking. I'm not sure why, but it seems to me if something is just in there, like I didn't choose it, an inclination, a drive, it feels like it belongs to me; but if I choose it, it doesn't feel like it's truly me... It feels constructed, or adopted- like it belonged to someone else and I thought it was interesting. There aren't many beliefs I have that come from deep inside of me. Because of that they have always felt like they aren't mine, I'm just borrowing them for a while or waiting for them to get down deep inside. It's not a comfortable feeling. I want to feel like I own the things that shape and direct my life. I don't like the idea that I'm sort of assuming they are right and following to be safe. I think I've started sluffing off more and more of the stuff that doesn't penatrate. Giving them back to the people they belong to.