Scattered

I haven't done this in about four months now. I've gotten out of the zone in a sense. I haven't even returned when I felt depressed, which was par for the course before.

I don't know. The truth is I want to leave NY. I've been thinking about myself a lot this past week in a certain way. A change that I think I need to go through, learning the ability to be happy under circumstances that are not ideal. I want to mature more. I think I also have a tendency to become discontent rather easily. I don't like that, it's no good. I want to meditate and stretch regularly. Find more peace.

I miss my mom a lot. I also just miss "home". It was a really nice place.

I had a dream last night that Chun-Soon (the lady from the dog walking company that just hired me) sent me this urgent email saying she needed a photo of me with a pet as soon as possible. Anxiety, because I asked if it would be okay to send it on the 14th when I knew I would be home and could take a pic with my lovely wonderful fluff-ball kitties. Or maybe just Kub, it could be very difficult to get them both in there in a way that doesn't look like they are miserable.

I've gotten really scared about the mouse pooh. I was watching a show called Off the Grid (which is about as insane as it sounds) but the thing that unsettled me was he said mouse droppings were full of diseases. Gad! My kitchen is a mouse pooh hell!

Yesterday I had a couple simple little goals, clean the toilet and get some needed art supplies before meeting Fawna and Rachel at the bus drop off. Instead I spent the day illustrating a picture in photoshop until Jeff asked me at 2:30 if I still meant to get art supplies. Oy. I was late meeting the girls.

We have a small collection of things outside the door that need to be purged. It would add a smidge of happiness to my day if we actually did. A car would be very helpful.

It's time to begin the process of purging again. A new kind, though. Bare down to only what I love. Let the rest go. So I will end up keeping things like my children's books, art, the small special things I've acquired over the years, my wool rug, mirrors, individual dishes and mugs, the slowly collected papers and fabrics (maybe not all of them, these things can be weeded). I haven't made up my mind about the piano. I love it, truly. But should I keep it? If I did what would we do with it? It has one wheel that won't stay in, the thing is a beast to move... It's hugely impractical in a life that is not stationary. Sometimes I hate thinking so practically, I really want to keep it...

I need to spend some time in the storage facility. Make decisions about what is going and what to keep. I think that needs to happen at home too. Time to get rid of some unnecessaries. Oh, how time changes us. Not time really, a force inside of us that simply does not remain the same. Like our cells, gradually rewriting, everything else does too... So that we are left with a memory of what we were.

I have a lot of free time right now. I really need to put some energy into getting myself out there as an illustrator. What ever that means, to find out what that means.