Better, but Still a fool

There are so many memories from my past that I'd like to release, for them to poof into non-existence for me. Classic one-liners mostly that have been burned into my psyche like a brand. They come from a host of authors, myself at times, but the most damaging ones have been from guys I dated or liked. "You're not very good, are you?" "You won't be like her?" And some that are so painful to me still that I can't bring myself to commit them to physical words on a page. I don't sit down and intentionally mull over them, these memories are triggered by associations and revisit me, frequently. They reinforce a voice that existed long before these things were ever said, mine. A constant reminder of my own status with myself. As hard as I perceive myself to be working on this, my self image, my personal value, correcting where it comes from, I still find these old memories so alive. I have carried them as accurate evaluations of who I am. As often as I have been able to look at the situations and recognize the flaws of the speaker and the flaws they spoke out of, I guess I have hated myself just enough to believe them. I think the core of why they stay is that I want to rectify my own past, to cleanse and purify it of all that is vile to me there. And that can't be done. Perhaps if I believed in myself now I would be able to let go, but I haven't really fully proved to me that I'm different enough. Better, but still a fool. I want to confront these men, tell them who I see when I remember them, rip asunder the hold they have on me, reject what they stand for. To value something better than what they represent,to be intelligent. And I want to rescue every little me in the making out there allowing themselves to become fuel for some beast.

Perhaps I'm still too hard on myself. My mom would probably tell me to cut myself some slack. But the reality is I'm not happy, and as long as these memories eat at my being like a slow acid I don't think I ever truly will be. I want to be free! To cast them away like the ashes of the dead, gone from this world forever.