Suspended animation

I have much on my mind. Upper most the fact that I will be moving in May. I really didn't think it would happen so quickly and almost came about accidentally. At least it will be an easy move, a new place already determined (ah, the joy of connections!) and not far from where I am. I can still live in Williamsburg! I hope that 650 a month will be a sufficient reduction in my expenses, I believe it will be. But I need to reorder my lifestyle. The most important change I have made is living out of my checking account and not off of credit anymore. That establishes more realistic finances, keeps me closer to in my means. My rent right now prohibits that which I discovered through my temp job. It's curious that that fact was disguised to me with Jonas. The difference being taxes taken out for me now shows me immediately just how much money I do have. And it's gone as soon as it's deposited, claimed by obligations. I take comfort that all those little things I bought for the apartment, that still probably aren't payed for, can't be taken away. I ultimately pay more than their value in interest. I fogive myself for this, but it still could have been handled better.

What most interests me is my internal perception and feelings amidst these events and anticipations. The pictures in my mind, the sense in my being. I am calm, but I feel some disruption beneath the surface. A low boil that makes itself felt by me accutely at times. I have made peace with my situation, but I stumble into trouble time to time. What I clearly want becomes a mist I can not sort in turbulent moments. I feel that I have made such a goal out of compromise that I'm loosing a sense of how to pursue what I claim to want. Something has taken it's place. A longing to experience what most people do. To work for a living, spend the bulk of my energy and time to pay for my keep, food, shelter... To have the feelings, exhaustian, transformation that comes with it. I hid from such a life for so long. I see it as my door to maturity, to true adulthood, independence. Even in this place I find the challenges vast and endless, all these paths I could pursue...

As I walked to the subway today a funny feeling over took me. I wanted to quit, to stop "living". To check out from all of it. There are moments when the pointlessness of rushing day after day to this 9-5 job performing unimportant tasks suddently seems insupportable. A different side of me surfaces, the willful impatience, my self interest, egoism, perhaps that feeling of being elect. Most of the time I seem able to function out of that obedient part of me, that sees the good in being diligent and reliable, focuses on what I gain in character.