Just need a little air

Maybe this will help, I don't know. It's going to be hard to stay awake today so I must do things that won't encourage sleepiness. Too bad I can't have caffiene. I could artificially stimulate myself to get through this work day. I screwed up! I can't believe how my body feels, it's awful... I was going to try to get to the bank after work, but that isn't happening, it's straight back to the apartment and to bed. Maybe in a couple hours my body will pick up a bit? I'm not taking good care of myself.

Something John told me last night has made me very sad. We have neighbors that have been engaged since I've lived here and Saturday they had their bachelor and bachelorette parties. Ramie and Damien. They are a cute couple, Ramie is precious. She reminds me of Pip, small with sad eyes and a timid smile. A little dog that just needs to be loved. It was how they spent their evening parties that made me sad. Ramie's party was themed around Damien, each of her friends had a pin with his face and a question on it to test how well she knew him. Her party was dedicated to him. John used the word debauched to describe Damien's party, it was not in reverence to Ramie at any rate. She will faithfully love him with devotion all her life, and he will love her- but with an independence that lacks deep affection I suspect. I asked John if Damien treats Ramie the way she deserves, the way he put it was that she will be happy with him- but John would never let Damien be with me. No, he doesn't. The world is full of so many sad little dogs that long to be loved and valued. It breaks my heart!

I feel like most of us need a wake up call inside. That we are constantly presented with opportunities, offered the love of a worthy person and we fail to appreciate these things anywhere close to adequately. Our hearts are hard, little stones that can't be reached. That helps relieve some of the internal pressure, but my heart wants to burst right now! I'm so full of grief! Is it crazy to think that my grief is for the state of other peoples lives, their hearts? I want to learn to feel the love of the people in my life better. I have seen that ability grow since coming to NY and it does make my life feel more full and wonderful! But I want more feeling. I want to enter into all of the good of being alive. As a child I closed myself off from everything and began to feel the absense acutely. I thought for so long I just lacked the ability to feel or express. How could I understand I had done it to survive?

Yeah, I feel much better now. The pressure has been released.