Being anxious

A large motivating factor for change in me has been how I feel about myself. It's a curious thermometer. For a long time I always felt bad inside, like I was over taken by mold and needed an intense cleaning. Maybe I went too far in the other direction? It isn't often that that old feeling returns, let alone lingers, but when it does I want to purge it immediately. I think, perhaps, my very forebearing boyfriend is feeling a little over-taxed by this part of me. As soon as I got to work I had to text him how I had behaved and how I felt about it. His responses were understanding and pretty much the same as my mothers when I shared the info with her. We all have moments, it's okay. "But you don't understand, I don't like how I feel about myself right now!" I hear ya, I love you. It's time to come down off the block and keep my head. I've turned into a bit of an emotional barfer, and by that I mean I have to regurgitate in words all the crap bothering me. It reminds me in this moment of how I was as a child when I became afraid and didn't know what was going on. I was compelled to ask my mom, am I going to be okay? and to also park it in front of the toilet and wait. I'm so afraid of the damage these emotions might manifest in me that I have to "purge" them immediately. I have anxious tendencies, some people have addictive tendencies and that often steers their actions, anxiety often steers mine. There are many areas of my life that I have managed to get anxiety out of the helm; but the shit some times just needs an outlet. Forgive me loved ones and friends, bare with me at these times.

I exert so much energy at times trying to be patient that I think I get a little overwhelmed and pop. Patient with everything, really. Life, work, traffic, people, myself... The thinking being that life is more enjoyable if I'm patient and not get upset about things beyond my control or that are difficult. I guess we all need to vent from time to time.

Despite knowing better, I'm still aspiring to be perfect. To master everything that I have come to value and to exude all the highest qualities. Because if I am perfect life will be perfect, right? I think another reason I'm a little over the top today is that life isn't perfect right now and simply being patient with it has turned out to feel insufficient. I'm troubled, scared, worried. What if life isn't as good when I move? What if it's harder for me to get up in the mornings and get to work on time? What if I find the commute more taxing? What if I don't like living with these four new guys any where near as much as living with John and Scotti? What if I can't get my piano in there, or the room isn't very private? What if I still have trouble paying my rent? What will happen? Is everything going to be okay after I move? Whose going to take care of me now that I'm stepping out from under the wing? Will I get enough work from Jonas when this job ends? Will he be unreliable? Am I in trouble? Is a day of reckoning fast approaching? Is my easy, safe life coming to a very sudden end? Can I possibley be ready to move out by April? Will work be an added complication come that day? Will I possibly not be working that day, or week?

There is a scene in The Order of the Pheonix where Hermione explains to Harry and Ron all the emotions going on inside of this girl Harry had a big crush on. All these issues that must be pulling on her explaining her own confliction in her relationsihp with Harry. Ron expostulates "No one can be feeling that many things at once, they'd explode!" The point of the scene probably being the complicated workings of a woman's heart and the simplicity of a man's emotional range. I guess that's how I am feeling right now, so full of concerns I could burst. And I know resolution is going to take a certain amount of time. In two weeks I'll know if I can handle the actual move, that concern will reach fruition. But whether I can stay there, or how living there will be is a longer concern. What will happen in my relationship with my brother? Will I see him? Do men go through these things too? I suspect Jeff does. He jumped started many of these concerns when he expressed his own.