troubled

The apartment has felt so empty to me these last two days. Empty meaning lonely. Maybe the main reason is because I've been exercising a new idea. Not having the tv on all the time, or movies. It tends to be my default background noise, and I think that's just it. Noise, to cover over what ever hides behind it. Silence. The other thing is the absence of Scotti, I haven't seen him since Friday and all is not well in the roommate realm. Discord has arisen between John and Scotti. I think he's avoiding the apartment. That troubles me, and I think things are just brewing in the direction of worse. I am troubled.

I had a really nice evening with Jeff last night, which led into a nice morning. I was excited about seeing him again this evening and elated when he called. But he wants to stay at his place tonight and spend time with his brother. I interpreted that as him wanting the evening to himself. Which is fine, but I am disappointed. I've been coming up against some strong barriers in myself lately. It starts as a hint, something that you see in your peripheral vision and don't fully register. It's still just beginning to form into something in my consciousness, so I'm still at the stage where I'm interpreting what it is rather than being fully aware. At the heart of it I see it pretty clearly as vulnerability and trying to stay away from it. I'm afraid. Like a very small fly, I think at first it is nothing and just brush it carelessly from my face. But it is persistent and I begin to pay attention, and begin to see a fear tucked so quietly in me that it seems barely to exist. How afraid am I? I'm not sure, I haven't tested it. I still seem disinclined to take it seriously.

The problems that have come up in the apartment, the discord has disrupted me in another way. I feel doubtful again about the right direction for me. When things were secure with Jonas there was no doubt, just letting the routine that had formed in my life run it's course and to contentedly follow it. Insecurity does funny things to people. It's making me doubt myself in so many areas. When I came home Sunday and John was so upset I didn't feel okay about my own position, I didn't think any of it was adequate. I felt like the only truly responsible thing would be to leave the apartment and let someone else come in who could pay their part of the rent. I feel doubtful about this two month job that may happen. What if it doesn't? There are no guarantees. Then what? I'm making myself anxious. I still look for work, and I grow more and more certain that nothing will come from Jonas.

I dreamt about a man being indifferent to me, and I was deeply worried, because I cared about him and I saw pain in my future. I was in pain already. I spent a little too much time yesterday remembering relationships that had left me damaged. I guess I had no idea how they could get back into me and reek havoc on how I'm feeling now. It was like ingesting a virus or a poison. I have hurt myself! What is curious is I see in me the birth of love in the danger of indifference. Why? What can I do about that? That is an imbedded disfunction in me. Perhaps it is a fatal attraction to the effort of winning the love of a man who can or will never give it, his heart is too hard.