Confronting all my conclusions

It's strange how one small action can awaken all those building doubts and give an ominous credence to their voice in my estimation. And in the background my reason stays with me, clear and present, confronting all my conclusions, and in it's way keeping me in a sane place, but my feelings will not be moved. And so reason and feeling coexist in conflict. I am angry, and it is an unusual reason. I have been cold and domineering, and yet all quietly, as always. And I think it may have been felt, without fear, or concern, but with a great tactical maneuver. (I'm impressed) In the past that one action would have resulted in an amazing spiral. A grand over-reaction. Causing a drastic alteration in the present and the future. I have learned to check my reaction sequence, through a little confrontation of conclusions. Something that seems like such a small difference, with rather momentous effect...

My feelings can be so hard to wrap my head around. Especially when I come across new ones and I can't make out just what they are. So I revisit them, because they draw me. I revisit the moment that created that new feeling, and pass it around in my mouth to get a sense of the taste. It's a sort of attraction, there is an appeal that I can't fully understand. My mind is so busy tonight, it has been since this morning. Mulling, mulling, mulling.

I have a need to talk more, real talk, but in the moments when I feel that need most, I can't seem to, the words just aren't there. Or the ones that are strike me as being just the kind I don't want to express. So I want to pull words out of someone else instead, make them be expressive in my place.

Random thought, I unearthed some old piano music I wrote when I was about 15 back home on Christmas break, brought it to NY with me and sat down and played through it today. A sense that nagged at me in the past about this stuff surfaced hard today, I think what a lot of it is is a fleshing out of tunes I had played by other composers buried in my memory. It mostly has a vague familiarity. So instead of feeling impressed that I actually composed music (however simple) when I was a teen I now have a mild sense that it's impressive that I could recompose someone else's music. Weird, I know. So I just need to come across the stuff it resembles and see how similar it is or if maybe it's style-inspired and not straight (accidental) plagiarism. The one substantial-ish one I wrote would be a good sonata, which I think is just a pretty word for exercise. It's an exploration of variation. Really simple. But from my experience all of the new composers I have come across have a core simplicity to their work. It's just highly decorated. Composers like Beethoven and Mozart had the genius to create masterpieces; god knows if such genius exists anymore? If it does, it isn't in mass circulation. In my searches recently for good sheet music for piano one thing has become amply clear, it isn't easy to find stuff past a low level of accomplishment. There is a plethora of music for beginners, but where is the rest of it? It scares me how much the "market" runs such a big world. By market I mean mass demand. It seems these days that if there isn't a clear guarantee of return no ones offering. Goodbye to the specialized, the obscure, the unpopular. Goodbye diversity and soul. Yeah, it is a bit dramatic. But say it isn't so...