a time of odd

I had rather an odd weekend. More in an emotional sense. Not bad just different. Me and Jeff had a late brunch on Sunday (?) and towards the end we were chatting, or rather I was talking at him, when I suddenly felt like I should go to the bathroom without delay. I had a funny feeling in my stomach, not nausea, just funny. I stayed for a while, until I felt a little less funny. And evacuated the restaurant as soon as I came out. In part it was the party of five that was seated next to us who completely overshadowed our own conversation with their very large presence and inane chatter, but it also had something to do with the fact that I had just unloaded a lot of dirty laundry on Jeff from my past and I think my body reacted before my brain could. What button had I accidentally stumbled on in myself that activated that borage of garbage? Dear god! Jeff receives everything the same way, implacable calm. Still, I reacted to myself. He didn't mind, which is good.

Stuff in general is starting to come up, the crazy's. I guess it's that phase in the relationship for me. My odd brand of relationship insecurity. It isn't intense, or generally that visible, but occasionally I have an outburst and I don't feel so good about it. Today was odd. I feel uncertain about my own behavior, in a mediocre sense. Nothing monumental, just not quite right. And a little moment between me and Jeff. I'm not who I used to be, but I still have very strong reactions. I think I'm confused and unclear on how to interpret his and my behavior at times. I think some of it has to do with a list of crazy rules I bring into relationships and each time Jeff doesn't seem to reflect that I get concerned. So I have to sort through the bull-shit rules and release that expectation, reinterpret his behavior and evaluate it based on reality. Maybe evaluating his behavior and actions isn't really the right attitude either? But then what? I constantly measure everything. I think it's another rule, but it is also my core approach to day-to-day living. Eek. I think I look at everything like it's a job and I'm trying to give my best performance, in order to do that I have to keep evaluating everything to gage the best response and therefore have the best possible life. Sigh, right? I don't have a clue how to be spontaneous! I can't shut my mind off! I'm this huge machine constantly chugging away, working on everything! I think that is actually part of the odd that I felt this weekend, I broke some of those rules, I was a bit off. It felt kind of free and loose, but still odd. Help.

I've been reading slowness by Milan Kundera, and I don't think I like it. I respect him immensely, he is brilliant, always thought provoking, challenging. But what I don't like about Slowness is the constant conclusions about human nature and motivations in this story. What I'm coming away with is this ultimate evaluation that people are silly, lack sincerity, and only self-seeking. Oh, and that we are easily cajoled. It's a very harsh judgement in the end. It makes me sad. I do realize that there is a myriad of weaknesses in human nature, that we can be cajoled, act self-seekingly, can lack sincerity- but I also believe in true strengths in us, that alongside the weaknesses are good qualities, that we can exhibit true love, sacrifice, penetration, wisdom, sincerity. The other conclusion I have been coming to through reading it is that people can have a very different awareness, realization about human nature or events, what ever they may be reflecting on. It makes me think of The United States of Leeland (?) too. His ultimate evaluation is that people are sad and weak- prone towards the bad. So he carried all this sad he saw and couldn't bare it. How to articulate fully this thought? It's a bit like those moments in Shakespeare when a character turns to face the stage and speaks alone before the audience his or her truth. What makes it true is that they live the implications of what they see, they believe it. But it doesn't mean they are right. There is penetration in their evaluations, some remnant of ultimate truth maybe, but it is tainted by their world view. I hate these words! They are tainted by universal associations. They fail to capture what I mean. What is frightening beneath this is a different implication I can't help seeing, that my world view, what I believe, how I see, isn't right either. And so we fall back on believing that living in accordance with what we call truth is salvation. Whatever that means.

Anyway. I have a job for the next two and a half months, and who can say what comes after that? I have no idea! I see possibilities and that is all. Diverse. I feel my inner compass hanging close to change, a perpetual state of change. It entices me. With that I close my thoughts and rest.