white reflections

So it's kind of true that I blog when I'm bummed. It's like a word teddy bear, something to sooth the sad. I'm not sure I trust my compulsions right now, because they seem to be causing me pain. But I believe in obeying them... I should explain compulsion, it's more this deep, maybe innate feeling. Like when you know that you can't do something because the voice inside you says "No". Same thing with "Yes", too. That part of me, the part I think is the innate me, can't email Andy tonight. And that scares me...

Anyway, I plowed through most of the crap I store in the closet in the basement. Each time I purge more. It's kind of funny how it just takes time to let go of things, the last time I went in I purged then too, but still couldn't let go of certain things. So it goes, each time there are things that I hold and hesitate over. Hesitation generally leads to holding on a while longer. But it also probably means eventually that thing will go, just not yet. I shouldn't call it crap, granted a lot of it would accurately be called crap by most sane people. But I've made peace with the fact that I'm not. A fair amount of what is in there is my history, too. My past. It doesn't go back to the beginning, but it goes back to when I was cognizant enough to start saving. There's always a few "why the fuck's" in the closet, as in why the fuck have I been saving this for so long?

There is a radar on in me of late, it's big and it ceaselessly scans for an answer, my answer... Because I don't feel I know myself right now, which makes it impossible to know what I want or need... Or to trust what presents as a want or a need. I keep consuming things, like an insatiable beast, for some sense of peace and conclusion. I don't know what to make of it. What is wrong with me? Is my judgement merely clouded? Happens easily enough. I half believe it is. I'm not trusting right now, and I really need to. I need that optimism to press on...

Something that is intriguing me is I have found myself sleeping on my stomach a lot. It is a sign to me that I am seeking comfort (I think of a very specific nature- which I haven't worked out what that is.) Balled up on your side, legs tucked into your chest is the most common position people get into to feel better, the womb position. But me, it's lying on my belly. I think I have an inkling. I think it's a letting go thing. On your back is stiff, holding on, either side too, a sort of holding on, but prostrate on the tummy is the ultimate release. And man do I sleep well like that. Kills my neck, unfortunately, otherwise I'd sleep like that all the time. When I sleep on my back I feel like a good puritan, totally self contained and well behaved. I hate that feeling.

Will I be able to get a job in NY? I'm a bit depressed over that. It's a bit early to be so morose about it. But I can't seem to stop thinking that. I'm gonna check craigslist...