Unfiltered body talk

Well, he doesn't want to see me this weekend. He hasn't been getting stuff accomplished on the weekend. I guess I should have seen it coming because he brings it up every time. Ouch. "I hope you understand." You know what I realized, I'm sick of understanding, fuck understanding. It's my turn to be imposing, to impose me and if things go to pot, I don't give a fuck! What ever, I'm planning on leaving anyway. Maybe the whole point is to make it easier, because right now it sure as hell is. Don't weedle your way into my heart, Andy, by any means, don't do that. That's so catty. But this blog is just an extension of thinking out loud (with the added horror of committing thoughts to eternity to potentially haunt me in the future.) Still don't care. My life is about me, isn't it? It's about time the focus of my life started being me. After all, the focus of his life is him. I'm like a hobby, and one that gets in the way apparently. Fuck.

I feel like I've put myself through hell (mostly my body, actually) for this experiment. With my, I'll give it a shot, attitude. And what a lousy ass pay-off this week has been. I've passed three blood clots today and that has been psychologically trying. Even if it is normal or safe, having something like that happen for the first time in (how may years?) of periods, thirteen or more...is rattling. God damn it! My body is not an experimenting ground and that's what birth control is beginning to feel like. How is it that something like that only becomes a reality when I use it and at a distance seems so normal, easy and harmless. So many factors! The reality of changing my body, pushing it even. Considerations as common as how throwing up can hinder its effectiveness. Or even Diarrhea. Wow. I feel like I'm not going to stop bleeding, either, until I start the active pills again. God, the cramps have been awful! How long does it take for all those positive aspects to kick in? I felt so happy at first because everything started out so smoothly.

I'll play the piano tomorrow, I think I've got the passion to pound out that third movement. I hate having to get kicked in the ass to be stimulated to start looking after myself...