intoxication of rain

I have a migraine and I've been exhausted for days (it doesn't help that I've been going to bed pretty late and waking up early.) But I feel really excited about tomorrow. I'm going to meet with a professional illustrator who has an agent, show him my work and learn about the business. Hopefully this will get me started on a path to professional illustrating, god that would be amazing! It's interesting how much I have to prod myself. The whole object at rest thing. I get into this groove that is familiar and each time some new factor is introduced I have to work to integrate it, really work. I knew I had to go for this, and it's funny how much I just wanted to shy away and not do anything. How resistant I was inside. I also new I had to do it promptly, not wait. I did it! I just made the weirdest connection in my mind, between body image and art image. The feeling that I am really proud of my work and I think it's really good, but I know it isn't perfect and there is a slight hesitation when showing it to new people, how will they react? Will it pass? I guess I do that with my body too... But underneath the concern I know that I approve of it, no matter what anyone else thinks. (My body, too.)

I really want to be productive, start getting ready for the move, but I want to take it easy with myself since I'm not feeling stellar. (Plus I've never bled so heavily in my life and every period takes its toll.) All these transitions at once, it's a little overwhelming. But I'm not scared, I was last time- in October. I guess I realized that I can get sick, or crash from time to time and that's okay, I'll be okay, I'll get through it, it will pass. Always does. I just need to take care of myself through each step.

I want the sun to come back. But something funny I realized today at work is the only time I go to the windows to look out is when it rains. There is some special quality about the sound of heavy rain all over the building but also just pounding the grass, making all the new green growth look even lusher and casting this warm yellow tint over everything. It's so peaceful, meditative. I gravitate towards those large windows over looking the woods on most sides. Even past the parking lot, the whole place is surrounded by trees. I love the green roofs too, full of small sedum plants. It's funny how along the entire stretch of overhang the sedum's don't grow, I guess they don't like cover. It makes the plants look like they are all huddling together towards the open air and the outer edges of the roof. Hut, hut, hut, hut. (or is it hup?) Or clustering together for warmth and comfort, sad little plants! The computer room window shades were drawn today, the first time I've _ever_ seen them drawn. As soon as I rounded the corner from the stairs it was the first thing I noticed and I gasped. It was beautiful, finally the whole library extended out on all sides. A panorama of new green, just full from corner to corner with leaves.

I gave notice! May is it, no more paging. It's sad because I loved paging before I came back. I don't love it anymore. Maybe that's a good thing, I got to close that door all the way! I won't go off to other things thinking, I miss paging, too bad it pays so poorly.

That's it, I feel revived, I'm off to be productive.