Living dead

Okay, I got my girlscout cookies yesterday and I have indulged. I can't stop eating! It will be very good for me not to be at a desk anymore.

I've worked myself into a bit of a state. A combination of checking craigslist for apartments and jobs. It started when I read what people had to say about what they were looking for. Arg! I come with a boyfriend. That seems to be a possible issue. Not with everyone, but it makes me long for a more private situation. My life and my expenses are at odds with each other... The strange thing is I feel a little upset with Jeff because of this and he hasn't done anything. Maybe part of it is that I have to go through this hassle at all and having an attachment is showing a side of burden. Maybe it's that speach John gave me... But the work thing is slightly divergent. It is beginning to look like the possibility of full-time work with the offices at The New School will come up in the near future. I am split, I like my work with Jonas, I like being physical and not sitting. But full-time office means a salary, stability, benefits, and qualifying for unemployment if I lose the job. Also I would hate to have a full-time position at a reception desk like this and always be on access to the public and have no private space at work.

I rode the JMZ in today. On a whim. There is a special feature to this train that attracts me, that it goes over the Williamsburg bridge and affords a spectacular view of Manhattan and Brooklyn. It was as full as I've ever seen it, morning commuters on their way to work. I felt a little sad. The Sickness unto Death. They all have it. Wake up! See! You are surrounded by so many astounding things every minute. Don't be dead... It can be oppressive at times to be surrounded by so many people who aren't really there, who are infected with incurable indifference, the very soul within them withered and gone.

I saw something beautiful, a tiny moment that will never happen again. There is an area in the Union Square subway that is slightly elevated for a stretch of 20 or 30 feet. As I was reaching the top of the elevation, just before it levels out I caught sight of a small black button on it's side rolling down the floor. I only glanced initially to register what it was and as I was turning back it struck me to watch its progress. I stepped back to the wall and saw the button continue undisturbed in the midst of the morning commuters until it was no longer visible to me. It rolled the full length of the decline and perhaps much further as it had picked up substantial momentum. As soon as I noticed that button I pictured it having just popped off of someone's coat or sweater (unnoticed) and making that perfect fall into a roll. As far as I could register from those arround me I was the only witness.