Other people

How complicated are people? Do I make them more complicated in my own mind? Do I fabricate qualities, judgments for them they don't have? How often do I read more drama into their simple words and actions than is ever there? How complicated am I? Do I make up things for myself to believe and feel that aren't really there, like a light spill, it doesn't permeate past the surface. Can I learn to let people be simpler? To find out who they really are, to find out that maybe they are mostly harmless? Maybe like dogs we go around doing a lot of posturing trying to fool each other into seeing more to us than is there, puffing out our chests, or making loud noises. How much of us is just show? What does it take to see through it? See the man behind Oz? I'm trying to do both at the moment, start seeing through me and everyone around me. Find that little puppy beneath the dog. And to not judge who is really there. To not judge the posturing anymore either. After all, it's an inheritance of sorts. It's a fine line to walk, recognizing a persons qualities and flaws without evaluating them in the process. Learning to know, but not trying to own. A judgement is a sort of ownership. But the currency is power, but adding someone up you gain power in your own mind over them. But then each posturing shifts that constantly. As we continuously reevaluate each other. A silly game that makes and breaks how we feel about ourselves and others. I want to climb above it, step out, leave the game. (The ultimate power move, ironically.) But it's about holding onto my power and not using it against other people or myself. It's about finding peace with life.

It's been coming on slowly for a few weeks or more. It's one person who has made me so aware of it. Not the posturing, but judging. To really see how much I do that to myself. But today I am sad. And I think to some degree it's because I am reading more into words and actions than is there. But I don't really know. It's okay to be sad. It's a vast improvement from neurotic. The week was flawed, the things that happened between us were flawed and it's extending into a weekend that's shaping up to be flawed. The drama I'm reading into words and actions is that under what has been said, under what has been done- he doesn't want to see me? And I am sad because I want to be captivating. I was, very, but did that die? Or was it injured? The kicker is, it wasn't my fault. I haven't done anything wrong. I have listened to myself so carefully, and made my choices. He did something wrong and I feel to some degree the consequences have fizzled him a bit.

I have a feeling it's going to be a long day...