NYC

I've now been living in NY for 6 days. My feelings have been all over the place and right now I'm feeling lost and lonely. Certain things just shouldn't be thought about. I don't have a job yet, though I continue to apply to places, and will not stop until I do. But that is why I feel lost. I still have plenty to do get ready, but then what? I'm a bit intimidated by the prospect of finishing everything I _wanted_ to do in the apartment and then not knowing what to do with myself. (There is no end of things to do here, I'm in NYC!) It's more about having purpose and I'm scared of coming to the end of that. Getting my room ready, cleaning up, that's all purpose. But if I'm not working when those things are completed, I'll feel like I've extended beyond purpose into uselessness.

Some fun facts, the most significant one is the water heater is broken, which makes me feel like I'm camping in my own apt. Cold showers and hand washing dishes in cold water. I have only taken one cold shower and that was before the air conditioning units were up and running and it couldn't of gotten much hotter in the apt, the cold shower bordered on being refreshing. I'm thinking I'm going to moxy up the courage to take a real shower today. After all, the bathroom stays hotter than every other room in this place. It's the furthest from the air conditioners. Another fun fact is we have no silver ware. Well, there seem to be a total of three forks and two spoons. So I've been hand washing the same damn fork every time I eat. John is waiting til his budget improves then plans on buying silver ware. For the time being I bought us plastic stuff.

I woke up around five in the morning (after going to bed at two, that was when I finally decided to quit painting) and I felt unrealistically hot and spent the next thirty minutes convinced I was going to throw up. I really felt like it, but nothing happened, aside from the most burping I've ever done in the night, that was weird and unpleasant. I think my body was just remarkably upset because I pushed myself so very hard yesterday and in general I've been going like a battery. There is a zone on my right arm, just below my wrist traveling in a straight line down the side that has been radiating pain since I began painting. It's the tension point when I hold the brush and the roller. Closing my hand activates the pain. I almost finished. The last wall just needs one more rolled coat. The trim is done. I worked so hard to prepare that wall, it was the worst one, and they've all been bad. Dirty, covered in black dings, smudgy hand prints, oddly enough rouge marks here and there too. The worst wall had two oddly placed shelves (that may have been here before John and Mike first moved in, who knows) and one of the shelves had been sealed against the wall and I'd just like to know what line of thinking was going through the fuckers head who decided to do that. I man handled it off the wall, but only thought to score the area after I'd begun pulling the top layer off the dry wall. Found out from Scotti that I could use something called painters compound to fill in the missing areas. I fell in love with the stuff, it's great! I didn't do a perfect job, but it looks pretty darn good. Compared to how it looked before. I'm not crazy about the curtains that came with the room, but the size format of the window isn't the easiest (or perhaps cheapest either) to replace. Oh, the dust in this room, One of the draw backs of 12 foot ceilings. Maybe they're higher? I realized last night that I really should have been wearing a mask for most of this process. Oy.

I watched the 4th of July from the roof, like everyone else in the building. It was lightly raining, not enough to need an umbrella, but a lot of people were using them anyway. I'd been watching 27 dresses when I started to register this repetitive booming and it dawned on me that the noise was fireworks and I was being a doofus and sitting in front of the tube. It was kind of lonely watching them by myself. For some reason I've gotten it into my head (because of new years) that all fireworks take place at midnight which was part of the shocker of recognizing them at 8ish. (Probably in conjunction with sunset.) I've got some really goofy presets. So on a smaller but higher building just ahead of my Roebling apt a lady had perched herself on the edge legs dangling off to watch. This attracted a lot of attention from the people on our roof and a muttering of marvel periodically traveled around as new people noticed her. Some wanker from our building apparently thought it would be funny to yell "at least take your hat off you look ridiculous" after other idiots had yelled things like "don't fall" or "jump". Mister ridiculous got a good snicker out of the crowd and I had two conflicting reactions, first it didn't seem funny and the people in my building may be idiots, and second that maybe it was funny and something was askew in me? I thought he deserved a punch in the face. That's the kind of shit high school and college jocks say to impress people when it just underscores exactly what they are, vacant assholes.

There may be some one sleeping on our couch... I don't know, but I want to have breakfast.