Hear me

I have some quandaries on my mind. The big one is how valuable is an individual soul? (How many sins can be forgiven in the hope of transformation?...) Thoughts are always more erudite when they are new, I didn't have a chance to blog it when first reflecting... I guess I'm coming at it from two perspectives, reincarnation and salvation. Can a Hitler be saved, forgiven? or reincarnated even... Is that soul valuable enough to risk continued suffering inflicted on countless people in order to keep it? If not where is the boundary? Then there is the other side, the desire of those who suffered for justice. For their suffering to be paid for in a sense, atoned, satisfied. If a tyrant is forgiven are his victims betrayed? I guess I'm wondering about it because I've started thinking about this strange balance achieved in life through both evil and good and how they do seem to be connected, almost necessary to each other. I can't fully understand why or how, but I want to try.

So it's the holidays and every where we go we hear christmas music, both secular and religious. The lyrics of one song were expostulating their disbelief at the suffering inflicted on Jesus and it struck me that the attitude from the christian perspective is often how unbelievable and awful it was for man to torture and kill the son of god, but it seems just as maddening that we do it to anyone. I pictured the song being reconstructed to include expressions of disbelief as a list of innocent peoples names and the crimes against them were recited. I think part of the significance of what Jesus did is that he went through what we go through, the commiseration. I think it's a part of us trying to be in god's camp. Trying too hard? We watch the movies, relive the story all in part to manipulate ourselves to feel really bad. I'm tired of trying, I want to be real. I want what I feel to be real and to express it. Not to try to feel what I think I'm supposed to.

I'm sitting in my cherry spot, the magic zone where I get perfect pirated internet reception almost all the time with little to no interruption. It is a bit awkward, it works best beside me and not on my laptop.

I've had a cold for many days now, many days more than I can stand. The symptoms are often thoroughly miserable. Night is generally the worst part of the cold, the time when I'm supposed to be resting and recuperating. No, instead I'm waking up frequently to blow my nose or because I have a relentless sinus headache that is aggravated by everything (including lying down. Most nights the thought running through my head is a big fat FUCK) Every time I'm sick it's the same thing, don't sleep well or long. Oh, the other thing that is killing me is at night the air I breath through my nostrils becomes cold and biting against my throat and it stings and dries me out. The surface of my nostrils is red, dry and soar from blowing it (despite having the best tissues in the world- Puffs with lotion. Pure bliss.) One thing I think is a kick about being sick is the inevitable voice change, entering a deeper range that carries all this weight and power behind it! Sarah, god of thunder! Hear me!

I can't wait to be well. :(

I also can't wait for christmas to be over, just the day, not the season. The rush and madness that go with it- that part needs to be over. This turns out to be how I feel about all significant holidays now. I just wanted Thanksgiving to be over so I wouldn't feel over burdened and anxious anymore.

I bought a wacom intuos2 graphic tablet for myself (my christmas present to me) off ebay. Of all the big purchases I've made lately I actually fully owned that one. The whole process, hoowuh. That feels great! I decided I would use the money I get at christmas to offset the cost, and I decided to make the winning bid on it 2 minutes before it closed. I was plagued by massive doubt and guilt over both the computer and photoshop. Which, incidentally, I both love deeply. My life is fuller because of their presence. Those, my ipod, a couple very special pieces of costume jewelry, my 35mm manual Nikon camera, my electric miter saw, my pocket sized watercolor set and sketchbooks, and my cats all make my life fuller and put a special warm feeling in my center.

That's it, those are all my feelings for now.

plus one more, I have such a hankering to play super nintendo in the winter, that and knit.